I knew this year wasn’t going to be great. lol. But, I didn’t have to be right. You know?
My better half’s grandmother was dying so we flew out to Maine. It snowed, her parents did what they do best, and I tired to pretended not to see it so I didn’t have to show my temper. It was hoot.
That’s all I got.
Catriona
XOXOXO
I don’t want to.
I’ve been up all night. 🤷🏽
Cooked eggs. What did you guys do?
If you’ve never used this seasoning, you should.
That is all.
Catriona
XOXOX
(I just found this in my drafts from October 23, 2023. Apparently I come here often and start but don’t finish entries alot. It’s unfinished. I’m leaving it that way.)
Between my kid suffering a pretty epic lesion to the foot, trying to patch it up themselves, and subsequently bleeding on every floor, wall, and door frame I own, my better half who is almost always injurying themselves in some bizarre and bloody way, annnnnnd my dog attempting to bleed out yesterday; I’m positive my house would look like some spectacular sacrifice(s) went down if inspected under a UV.
On the note of my dog attempting to die prematurely – I couldn’t get the bleeding to stop so while I held pressure on it I ordered styptic powder delivered to my house. The Door Dasher rang the door bell while simultaneously turning around with my package to run back to their car. Was her senior dog trying to die too? I caught her around the corner… I didn’t have time to question WTF – I just ran back to my dog. But, like, wtf Door Dasher? You had to shop it, you know it was cheap, why try to steal it? So weird. I’d have shared, just ask next time.
Cardboard and wooden boxes.
I can’t wait for this year to fuck all the way off.
My cat.
My Mom.
My Dog.
Are all in boxes on my dresser.
Within 5 months.
Pheonix two days before the Holiday, and 20 after my Mom.
I can’t even think about Pheonix without losing my mind. Ugh.
I got nothing.
Fuck off 2023
Catriona
I’m trying. It’s not working. Follow me as I redefine the art of crashing with style.
I am not feeling this holiday season. I’m trying to pretend because this is the last year before my kid goes to an out of state college. But. Damnit all.
I’d like to set everything on fire.
To hell with this year.
Catriona
Xoxox
(Trigger Warning. All the death. Seriously, just don’t even bother with this one. I wrote it as soon as I got home the day my mother died because I had to get it out. I’ve left some pretty terrible parts out. Things I don’t ever want those who loved her to ever read should they stumble upon this. No one needs to carry that, but me.)
So my mom is gone.
On my way to see her Tues night, I received a call from the night RN. She wanted to know if I had stopped in yet to see my mom, and if I had seen the condition she was in. The RN was ripping mad because my mom was not able to follow commands and had apparently been that way for some time. Day shift didn’t include that when they gave report, nor did they notify me.
When I arrived she was laying sideways across the bed. She would pay attention when she heard my voice but was not able to follow commands or answer. I immediately called hospice. I sat with my hand on her head for a long time. If I asked her a question she would grunt an answer or acknowledge me. She just kind of stared off into space.
I called my brother while at her bedside. He immediately asked if she had died. I told him no. But she was close. I explained the situation all with my hand on her head.
I made arrangements for her to go to Hospice House and started to pack her belongings. I dropped a large box of Christmas decorations on the floor. It made a really loud noise. My mom suddenly looked over and said “What was that?” and then she was awake. She was confused but cognitive.
I packed her stuff up around her, and as I did the more awake and clear she became. Transport put her on the ambulance to transport her to Hospice while I told her I was right behind her, I would meet her there. She said the most confident “I know” I’d ever heard. I called my brother again to tell him she was back, but that it could be just a surge.
When I got to the new facility, she was wide awake and upset. They had cleaned her and removed her socks. She was in pain.
At one point they had to lay her on her back to clean her. She couldn’t breathe in that position and was panicking. She was yelling and fight the RNs. I just remember her staring at me and saying “Catriona, help me”. I don’t think I will ever forget that.
She slept most of the night which was weird for her. We both got up around 6:30am. She was in excruciating pain. We waited a long while for pain meds. Around 10:30 she had finally had her pain meds and was settled enough I felt comfortable running home to change and grab the pillow she wanted. I leaned over her bed and told her I was going to change and that I’d be back really soon. She asked me where I was going and I told her. As I was walking out of the door she said “I’m sorry you are chained to this place”. I responded “Wherever you are, is where I want to be”, and I left. That was the last real conversation we had.
I wasn’t gone long. I went home and changed. I stopped and grabbed her a new pillow and some flamless candles. A few months ago when she was first admitted to the nursing home, I had brought her some candle holders to hang on the wall and added flameless candles that I would change out with the season. She absolutely loved them. I left the ones on the wall when I moved her to the Hospice House so I wanted to get a pair for her new room. As I approached the front door to go back to my mom the RN called me. “There have been some changes with your mom”. Within 30 seconds I was in front of her. Her breathing had changed. She was reverting back to how I had found her the night before.
I sat at her feet, on the bed, for hours. She would open her eyes or mumble and I’d tell her I was there and that she was safe. That I had everything taken care of. She was back to opening her eyes and briefly looking at me when I spoke to her, but she couldn’t respond for the most part. By 6:30pm my brother called. I put him on speaker for him to tell her he loved her. She opened her eyes real wide and tried to speak. After I hung up with him I told her all the things I wanted her to know, and some of the things I knew my brother wanted her to know.
By 7:30pm she started to go. I was quiet other than responding if she moved or grunted because when she heard my voice or if I said “Mom” it was as if I was calling her back and she would stir more like she was fighting it all. And 9:30 she was no longer responding to me. I just continued to hold her hand. By 11:30PM I just got this feeling, so I started talking to her. I told her some of my brother’s most loved memories. I reminded her of all the funny things we did, and the funny things she said to me. I spoke of the things we did as kids. The time she dyed my hair, my ears and the entire back of my neck black. The time we brought her so many wildflowers I couldnt see where I was walking. And then, an hour later, she was gone.
WordPress says today is my 11 year anniversary of being here. Weird.
I’m a long way away from 11 years-ago-me. HA.
I also made the spiciest paster evvvver tonight. I’m glad It way just for me. I don’t think my family would have survived. bahahaha.
Also. I covered my Mom’s room with coke. So. There is that.
That is all.
XOXOXOX
Catriona
(Trigger Warning – allll the suicided)
Several months ago I stepped down from my position and moved departments. Took a pay cut.
The department I was in was so toxic. We are talkin’ daily verbal and professional assault. It was fuckin’ terrible. It was really hard to let go of my people, the team I built from the ground up. It was hard to give up and walk away. I spent three years being a buffer for these people. Helping them navigate a pandemic. Keeping them out of harms way and taking the punches. I just couldn’t do it anymore. The burnout is real.
I moved to the ICU in a lesser position. It’s been an experience, for sure. I have been in a supervisor role for so long that being in a role where I have no say in anything was refreshing and fucking weird. The people I work for and with are fantastic. I’d follow them to hell and back, so having no control is fine with me. They are so kind. I’m grateful for the break.
I worked really closely with ICU for years so the move wasn’t really a big change other than the work environment improved 100%. They asked for me, and I’m so glad they did. Because, I don’t know that I would have moved on my own. I loved the team I built and feared what would happen when I left (turns out everything I feared unfolded about a week after I transferred. Ugh).
May is their birthday week. It’s also our anniversary month. While at work, one of the ICU nurses that I work closely with asked me a question that I answered truthfully. It led to me giving a quick synopsis of their suicide and the aftermath. The nurse, Jon, spun around and looked me in the eyes and said: “Wow, what a douchebag”. When I say I laughed, oh my stars. That’s the first time I’ve had that reaction from someone. I laughed and replied “Yeah, a little”. Jon started to apologize. I was still laughing. Truthfully, it was a welcome response. Had it been 5 years ago this would have put me in mental choke hold. I explained that, and that he had no reason to be sorry. I then explained that for the most part, they didn’t have a choice in their thoughts or actions; I told Jon the diagnosis. I will never forget his response. Never. Because it was the first time anyone had ever completely understood the situation. He locked eyes with me and said “So, they blamed you then. They left a note blaming you didn’t they?”. The world spun. It fuckin’ spun for the first time in a while. I’d never told anyone. Jon went on to say something to the effect of (don’t quote me here my brain was coming to a full stop at this point): “people with that diagnosis, their chemicals are all messed up and they blame the spouse.” I’d never had anyone understand the situation, or connect the dots so completely like that. I never had anyone point this out. I don’t think I knew this was common.
He had no idea what he did for my soul that day. She did leave a note. She did blame me. I blamed me. I blame me even though I know logically it wasn’t in my hands.
It’s true that ICU is a different animal. Apparently it’s the one I didn’t even know I needed.
XOXOX
Catriona
Cuzz it doesn’t feel like it. Maybe it’s because I didn’t get a tree this year. Maybe it’s because I’m burnt out. Maybe it’s both.
My Christmas tree is one of, maybe, three things I look forward to all year. It’s a like sign I made it another year. Ha, maybe that’s why I didn’t end up getting one this year, because I’ve been crashing and burning my way thru this year. So, it’s fitting that I didn’t get the thing I look forward to most.
Burn out is real.
I was going to do Christmas cards.
I was going to make chocolate covered oreos and hot coco bombs for my team and family.
I was going to make Christmas cookies for the first time since the pandemic.
I pulled everything out to do it. Then looked around and realized I don’t feel very merry and neither does my house. I climbed back in bed and waited for the day to be over so I could go to work. Night shift, wooooo.
I keep trying to be festive but between roadblocks and burnout, I think I’m done. I’ll try again next year. Lol.
Catriona
I’ve been trying to get into the Holiday spirt. It’s not working.
Here’s some photos of me faking it. LOL.
XOXOX
Catriona
CatrionaIsCrazy 