Tag Archives: CatrionaIsCrazy

Tell me about your Country

I’m in the US and I’m fearful.

We have uteruses.

We are gay.

My child will be directly effected if the US decides to “revisit” gay & trans laws.

I am absolutely at a loss. Next month we were to take a family road trip through several states to see which state we liked the best that is not the one we are currently in, look at colleges, and avoids US boarders. But, now what do I do? Do I instead nix that idea and save my money to find another country? If it were just me I would literally pack a bag, leave and figure it out when I got there. But I have a family, an elderly dog.

So tell me about your Country. Tell me about the laws you know of. Tell me how beautiful it is. Or, warn me about your Country and tell me why.

I’m currently doing research, but I need your input. AND GO!

Catriona

xoxoxo

(C. Where you at?)

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My check engine light is on

I’ve hit a wall.

I am a firm believer that when you or your family hit a wall you move the wall. Break it, blow that shit up, you do whatever you need to. Hitting a wall is just a pause or a warning. You reevaluate. You move the wall.

I’m burned out. I pushed hard when we got hit with Covid. I pushed harder than I have ever pushed to make sure I could take care of my family. People were losing jobs, told to go home all over the world. I was not going to be one of them. People were losing their homes or living on borrowed time because they couldn’t pay their rent. It was only a matter of time for them. Healthcare professionals were being sent home in droves, or sent into forced early retirement. It was bonkers. That was not going to happen to us. I pushed. I moved up twice. I took on Covid from the beginning even when we didn’t know what we were working with because my coworkers were just kids. Scared kids. I headed the covid “Team” because I wasn’t scared (not in the way everyone else was). I knew scared people make mistakes. All it would have taken was one scared kid making a mistake and taking out the entire team. In in beginning, even highly trained professionals were breaking under pressure, so it had to be me. So, I did it. Every day until I couldn’t. For over a year I was one of two that responded to EVERY Covid patient. I was the one that directed how we handled things. It was the only thing I could do to help. I ended up with my own team, and then my own shift. I moved the wall more times than I can explain to you. I’m tired now. I’m a workaholic and for the first time in my life I need a break. Even when I’m sick I don’t sit down. I need to sit the fuck down. (Click here if you are new here – might help. lol)

I just explained it to my other half like this: “My check engine light is on. You know the one that comes on even when everything seems fine, but you know that it’s only a matter of time before everything comes to a full stop? Yeah. That. My check engine light is on.”

I have to change courses and slow down. Maybe the new trash human taking over as Supervisor is the Universe intervening. Horrible timing tho, wtf Universe. Braces and college, hello?

So, back to the drawing board. Working on some passive income so I can slow down at work. Or, you know, if that fails I will be that 40 year old on the pole at your local dance club. Hahahahah.

Off to ignore the laundry on my bed.

Catriona

XOXOXO

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18

This kid is 18. Can you believe that?

I remember when they handed me my newly birthed baby. Everyone left and I was alone. I put the baby on my chest – I remember thinking: “Fuck. What am I going to do now?” Hahaha. In that moment, I really had absolutely no idea. It wasn’t that I didn’t want this baby. If there was every a baby that was wanted or needed, it was this one, let me tell you. But, I was in over my head and I knew it. My bio parental units were broken long before they had me, so trust when I say I didn’t have a lot to work with reference wise. Well, maybe that’s incorrect. I knew what I wouldn’t be doing, lol. But passed that, I was a teenager with an infant and I was well aware.

I went to sleep that night and woke up in a nightmare in which my teenage ass was responsible for an infant that had a frequent habit of trying to die (internal bleeding & allergic to everything, EVERYTHING).

Then suddenly I had a toddler.

Then I had a 6 year old skipping grades because when we transitioned from homeschooling to Montessori school he was testing at 8th grade and 12th grade in some subjects.

Then I blinked and this kid was telling me he didn’t think he wanted to be a Neurologist any more and why. So we reworked what college he was aiming for in the coming years.

Then I looked away for a min, I swear to you it was just min, and he graduated High school.

Then I leaned down to pick up his hat, and he turned 18.

We were in Target one day and he said “MOM LOOK” and smiled real big while telling me the “D” in the front of the cart looked like a mouth smiling. This is by far one of my favorite photos. He couldn’t have been more then 4 or 5 here.

This was yesterday. Look at this kid. I’m speechless. My whole heart turned 18 yesterday. Watch out world.

We spent the day eating junk food & Hershey’s Icecream cake while watching Moon Knight (what a weird show, not bad…but).

18. I don’t even know how we got here. LOL

Catriona

XOXOXOX

P.s. C. where you at? Check your E-mails.<3

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Oh I did it now

I reported to the Hospital around the same time Covid did. Since then, I have been the department Trainer as well as the shift manager. I work overnight, the only one in management is me. Shit goes sideways – it’s me that catches it before it hits the fan. I really enjoy my job, for the most part. I am sent in for tough patients (read: dementia, suicides, and just plain assholes). I respond to codes. I work with ICU and Trauma all night. My staff is pretty amazing and the people I work with are a different breed. Pretty proud to know them. Especially my House Sup (Read: God. She runs the hospital). I only hope to be like her when I grow up.

This week, I wrote my resignation. My intention was to hand it in and give notice in about a week. See, I love my job, but two members of upper management in my department are complete shit, homophobic garbage humans. Since I cannot be pressured and manipulated, and because I have morals I’m not of much use to them. The Hospital loves me and I nail my job every day, but because I will not intimidated and don’t tolerate abuse these two individuals and I have uh, we will say – have butted heads (read: I nuked and they got smacked by their management for their treatment of me which only expanded the target on my back). Up until now they didn’t effect me much. That all changed the min my Supervisor told me he was stepping down and one of the other Supervisors (described above) is who I’s be reporting to, permanently. I laughed in response. Nope. That’s not going to happen. I don’t need this job, and def don’t need to deal with a nefarious wanker with a god complex. My exact words to my Supervisor were: “I will shit in my hands and clap while singing the Song That Never Ends, naked in the Atrium before THAT happens.”

With that being said, I reported to the ICU last night as part of a responding team, like I do every night. The Charge Nurse (Head of the floor) said something to the effect of “I don’t know why you don’t just come work for the ICU” (I get this a lot for several different units, I just have never moved on it). I just laughed and said “You aren’t hiring, I looked” and kept working thinking nothing of it. She rounded on me, told me she wanted me in the ICU and marched my ass to her Director’s office. I didn’t even have a choice at that point. LOL. Thank the stars she wasn’t there. I was a sweaty gross mess. I had just responded to a stroke and 4 ICU patients, I was in no shape to be meeting any Director. Charge told me she would call me as soon as she returned. I thanked her and headed back towards my office still pretty stunned at what just happened.

On my way back to my office I stopped by House Supervisor. I consider her a friend and wanted her opinion. I asked her what she thought. The turn over rate in the ICU is high and I wanted to know if it was because of burn out, or because they treat their staff like crap. She told me what I figured she’d say. Our convo was cut short by a phone call so I made my way back to my office. About 20 mins later House Sup called me to tell me I had a meeting with the Director the next day (tonight). LOL. I swear I have no control of this thing. Hahaha. So, I’ve done it now, and I didn’t even mean to.

I have no idea what is happening. hahah.

Catriona

XOXOX

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All the metal

I’m sitting in the back of my car as my kid drives us the 2 hours home from getting (the kid) braces.

I had no idea the new braces are all metal. No little rubber bands. Just metal. No wonder it’s costing me 5k. I gladly signed those papers. $200 a month is worth it to me. My bio mom didn’t do that for me and I have delt with it my whole life. I understand now that that I’m older that it’s not covered unless medically necessary, but my teeth were pretty messed up and she didn’t bother. We were pretty poor, but even if we had the money (and maybe we did?) I’m almost positive she wouldn’t have gotten me braces. So yeah, I’d have paid double, I’m sure.

This kid is also turning 18 soon. It’s mind blowing to me. Time is sneaky, I swear.

I’m so tired. I’ve been up all day and have to work all night. Mondays are a crazy day for Trauma – – don’t ask me why. It’s going to be interesting.

Catriona

XOXOXOX

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Fuck Laundry!

Uh. wait. No. Not like that. I’ll just have to wash it again.

I have no issues washing cloths. But folding it and putting it way is just fucking stupid.

Ugh. Maybe I will hire a maid, but just for the laundry.

Ugh. My power just went out. My battery back up will only last for another 10 mins. Damn storm.

HA!! WAIT. I DON’T HAVE TO DO LAUNDRY NOW. Fuck yeah.

Catriona

XOXOX

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Let me read you this book…

Of course my kid would choose and get accepted to a private college, out of state.

Offfffff course it would cost 40k a year. Of course. Even with the college fund and my savings – it’s a four year program. sigh (that’s after the massive scholarship).

Maybe I should learn to make penis socks.

Stand on the corner maybe? I think I’m too old to get on the pole.

I never asked my kid’s bio father for child support. Man am I kicking myself now. Kidding. Fucking that.

Even if I kick the bucket right now, my life insurance would only cover two years of school. LOL

What if I start an OnlyFans of me sitting in the backyard reading aloud nineteenth-century literature? Because really I feel like that’s all I am capable of.

To the back yard I go!

Catriona

XOXOXO

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What is under your bed?

Books?

Dirty socks?

Porn?

Penis socks? OH MY STARS, IF IT ISSSSSS PENIS SOCKS I WANT TO SEEEEEEEEE!

Can you guess what’s under my bed?

Did you guess Ramen?

NO? Well you obviously don’t have kids pftttt.

This is parenting. Duh.

Catriona

XOXOXOX

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May

Yesterday was her birthday.

Several days before that would have marked 9 years married.

Memory problems keep me protected for the most part.

Feeling suicidal?. .Click here

Need to talk? Catrionaiscrazy@gmail.com

Now, I need some more coffee since they don’t serve whiskey at the hospital.

Catriona

Xoxoxo

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Little blue bag of feelings

Grief is a weird thing. It looks different on everyone.

Recently, I lost a friend from work. She was an amazing human. Always had an answer and a smile. She was always helpful. Even when the pandemic made it hard to be.

I took it pretty hard. My better half must have known. Came home with a pretty blue bag filled with “The stages of grief”. It was literally a bag of pastries. Each one names after a stage. I laughed so hard.

I ate “Anger” for dinner that night, funny enough.

“Depression” was amazing. But, “Bargaining” , “Bargaining” couldn’t have been any better.

I guess what I am trying to say is get yourself a partner that will bring you a little blue bag of feelings when you’re sad. Hahahah.

Catriona

XOXOXOX

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