Monthly Archives: June 2015

Annnnnd I swear I’m not a crackhead

Hi guys,  I have no Internet where I am so writing/posting /life is hard.

A quick update: my Grandmother is not ok. I can’t go into it, and I will fill you in when I can.  I am Miles/HOURS away from the town and life I knew,  as to keep my Gram safe.

My Gram’s Divorce is a NIGHTMARE. Nightmare.  I can’t even begin to explain.

I feel like a ping bong ball,  and I swear I donno which way I am going.  I just pray that I can get the money for a place soon.

I’m in this sleepy little town alone with my Gram and kid. Thank the stars I can walk to most places as Gram doesn’t drive,  and neither do I.  She’s not functioning,  so I’m it.  Just me.  I love her so much. I just hope she recovers  from all of this.

So,  I went to the little market about 25 mins down the road.  I grabbed the fruit, bacon, and Jam that I needed,  asked the cashier to put my items in plastic,  then in paper,  as it was so hot out,  and off for home I went.

So,  I am walking home,  it’s so hot I can feel my mascara sticking to itself,  and my phone rings. I answer it,  and I am talking trying to jungle the phone,  and this giant damn paper bag while making my way down the road….. And then my flip flop rips apart. I kid you not, this thing just exploded,  there was no saving it.  It looked like I stepped on land mine.  I’m twenty mins from home,  walking bare foot in a small town,  carrying a bag that I am sure looked like beer, sweat pouring into my eyes to the point that I could not see,  my mascara turning into toothpaste on my eyelids causing me to twitch,  talking on the phone,  all the while trying to cross the one and only crosswalk, pretending I don’t know I look like a complete and utter homeless crackhead.  Hahahahah.

I’ve been here less than a week and I’m already making a fantastic impression. Lmao.

Really,  I swear sleepy town,  I’m a hot mess,  but not THAT kind..

I just want to reach out to ALL of you that have been so wonderful to me. I’ve received notes and emails just checking in.  It means the friggen world to me.  I’ve received e-cards and even  a life like portrait someone drew of me that I CANNOT wait to share.  It’s so flippin beautiful. I will be sharing that as soon as I can get to a place with Internet to properly link and showoff,  and stuff.

Just.  Thank you,  all.  I WILL respond to all of you,  like always.  Just give me a few.  I’m working threw my phone only,  and it’s a bitch.  I just typed this all on my phone.. My thumbs hurt.  Lol

I love and hug you all.  All the time.


This morning, my Grandmother called me to invite me to see my Aunt, who came in last night. She didn’t sound right, and her “I just didn’t sleep” excuse didn’t sit right with me. We weren’t expected to see each other for hours, but I started to get dressed. It’s only an hour walk and something didn’t seem right.

By the time I pulled my pants on, Gram’s number flashed accross my phone. I didn’t get it in time, so I called back. My son, who was visiting for the afternoon picked up and I will never forget his words.

“I think my Grandma just had a stroke.”

I got nauseous. I knew it. He was in tears. I ran out the door and sped toward my Grandmother. My son stayed on the phone with me. The Paramedics came and then WENT because her Husband refused to let her go to the hospital,  insisting she was fine. I heard this and made the 60 min walk in 25 mins.

I walked in and she was sitting at the table with her Husband  (not my Grandfather,  he died years ago) and it took her a min to recognize me. First flag. Her behavior was not that of my grandmother. She was slow, and only half there. I said something about a Doctor,  and her Husband JUMPED DOWN my throat. I knelt at my Grandmother’s feet and asked her “Do you trust me?” She slowly said “of course”, and I so I looked her in the face and said “Then I need you to trust me that you’re not ok, you need to come to the hospital with me, your husband is wrong.”

He started screaming about throwing me out of the house, and HE WAS THE MAN OF THE HOUSE (Charming, no?). But, she descreetly nodded her head, and I set about getting her to the hospital.

30 mins later, a fight and threats of harm coming to me “when I least expect it”, I had my grandmother in the ER. They skipped intake because of how visible her symptoms were. She indeed had had a stroke.

My. Grandmother. Had. A. Stroke.

WHAT THE FUCK. Seriously has my son not suffered enough? Have I not lost enough. 

I’m still sitting in the hospital. She was admitted. She is still slurring, But awake. She’s still slow, but I’ve been making her laugh for hours. She’s going to be here for days.  And so am I. I’m not leaving her side.

I hadn’t eaten all day, I can’t go to the cafe, it triggers my PTSD (I’d rather not go into it I’m sure you can guess), but I have to bribe people to go to the cafe for me, but it flippin closes at 4pm. wth? Upon hearing that I hadn’t eaten, one of the nurses brought me anything that didn’t contain meat, that she could get her hands on. hahah.

I guess it pays to have spent years in and out of this place with my spouse that the nurses STILL know me. Sigh.

I refused to leave the hospital. Went toe to toe with my Grandmother’s Husband, and the Hospital Staff. I won.

I’m driving her nuts in the best kind of way. My grandmother is very proper. And I’m the only one that would get away with returning from the in room bathroom to say: “Don’t worry Grams, I didn’t pee in your hat.”

I’m not going to sleep for days. She’s sleeping now, and I’m fighting anxiety issues, and trying to pretend I’m fine every time to opens her eyes to make sure I haven’t left.

Please Universe,  take it all from me, but not her. Not yet.


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