Uh. wait. No. Not like that. I’ll just have to wash it again.
I have no issues washing cloths. But folding it and putting it way is just fucking stupid.
Ugh. Maybe I will hire a maid, but just for the laundry.
Ugh. My power just went out. My battery back up will only last for another 10 mins. Damn storm.
HA!! WAIT. I DON’T HAVE TO DO LAUNDRY NOW. Fuck yeah.
Catriona
XOXOX
So. Mother’s day.
Imagine my confusion when I wake up to my Better Half describing a PUNCTURE WOUND surrounded by scratches in my kid’s arm. Better Half goes on to tell me that the night before the kid was at a friend’s and slipped. The arm is patched up, but looks deep. Goes on to tell me it was caused by a fall against metal cactus at the pool. Yeah, you read that correctly. I made better Half Half tell me twice because I thought for sure I’d smoked crack by mistake and was hearing word soup. Nope. Metal cactus by the pool.
All I could think of was allllllll the tetanus. All. Of. It.
I had so many questions.
I’m sorry, what? A real cactus would fuck up your day, but a metal one? That sounds like a great addition to a slippery area!! Fuck yeah, let’s put that bitch by the pool!! What? I. Ugh. How is that even pool themed?! What the actual hell. Who the actual fuck did that??
Needless to say I spent Mother’s day in Urgent care. Stitches and a tetanus shot WOOOOO!
Kid 0 // Metal Cactus 1
Only my kid.
Catriona
XOXOXOX
AAHAHAHAHAHAH. I am done for today. I. AM. SO. AMUSED.
So, earlier I was standing at my stove waiting for my water to boil while eating a left over quesadilla. I get this, like, shock to my entire jaw when I first bite into food. It’s so painful. It’s been that way as long as I can remember. Howevvvvvvver that’s not saying much as we all know my memory. Annnyyyyyywayyyyy. It suddenly hit me that maybe its not normal? LOL. Everyone feels like they’re getting punched in the face every time they eat, right? RIGHT?!
Turns out, nope. Nope, everyone does not feel like they are getting punch in the face when they eat. Ok, but that’s not the part that caught my attention (wait for it). So I looked it up. It’s called “first bite syndrome” (wait for it. Also, accurate naming doctor people, great job). It’s damage, usually as a complication to surgery, to the sympathetic innervation of the parotid gland leading to parasympathetic overactivity (waaaaaait for it). It can also be caused by tumors. Getting First bite syndrome is apparently very rare (wait for it). However, have no fear there are treatments!
THERE IT IS! BOTULINUM. hahahaha I’m dead. Offfff Course that’s that answer. That is enough of the interwebs for me.
XOXOXOX
Catriona
I wrote this in September 2017 right after we were rocked by a Hurricane. Something I’m sure I will share, eventually.
Don’t run away! It’s not that kind. Wrong end, really.
I took a walk the other night to get catfood after the storm. Wal-Mart is a scary place after a certain time. It’s also more quiet. Something I rather enjoy if I’ve got to brave Wal-Mart.
I grabbed the catfood and sorta just browsed. I came to the Bathroom linens and accessories. In my head I said “Oh, ok well while I’m here maybe I will look at what colors I’d like the new bathroom to be.” and then, it was all down hill from there.
“Oh, look at that color. That’s pretty. I really like that. Oh, but it reminds me of the time we (my wife and I) painted the master bathroom that color. Nope.”
I moved on.
“Oh, this is a nice red. I could get.. No, that reminds me of the master bathroom again.”
I moved on.
“OH black and white. That would be easy! I have all the… Annnnd that reminds me of when we had zebra print in the bathroom… And that one rouge zebra towel I could never get rid of.“
I moved on.
“Fuck Purple.”
I moved on.
“Grey is pretty. Two shades of grey and maybe.. Nope. Fuck. That reminds me of my master bathroom. It was Dark grey, as were the towles at one point. Fuck.”
I moved on.
“Coral! That doesn’t remind me of anything!… Except. How ugly coral is. Damnit.”
I moved on.
“This is starting to get ridic….Orange! Orange. It’s not the most calming of colors… But I can deal with that. Throw some abstract Art up and… Crap. And it reminds me of the Cocopelli theme we once had in the master bathroom.”
I moved on.
“That’s ugly. Nope. Nope. Fuck pink. Nope. That’s ugly too. NOPE NOT THAT ONE EITHER. WHY DID WE CHANGE OUR BATHROOM THEME SO OFTEN?! WHO DOES THAT?! I’M NEVER GOING TO BE ABLE TO DECORATE MY BATHROOM EVER AGIAIN!” annnnd I burst into tears. At Wal-Mart. At 12am. At 12am I became a Person of Wal-Mart. Fuuuuuuckkkkkk.
In my defense, I hadn’t slept in days due to the storm. I’d been up well over 48 hours and eaten very little (and, really now that I think of it… We did change the color and theme of the bathroom frequently.. Lmao)
So I’m leaning against the shelf, catfood in hand, in tears…. And suddenly the realization that I’m CRYING IN WAL-MART ABOUT MY BATHROOM DECOR hits me. I start to laugh out loud, hysterically. Like, crazy laugh. I know you know what I mean. Then I realize anyone watching just watched me go from crying to laughing like an idiot. I laugh even harder because I’m now a Person of Wal-Mart. Bahahahahahah.
I finally got my shit together and left the aisel… Not before looking over to see 3 young guys staring….. Yep, I’m the seemingly crazy Cat Lady at Wal-Mart. Yep, that’s now me. Great.
I continued to laugh like a hyena to the cash register. Fuck it.
I didn’t finish this… But, do I really need to?
Catriona
Oxoxoxo
You guys know I don’t sleep, right? Hahah. I have no idea what to do with myself for the next hour so, I thought I would stop in and say helllloooooooo.
My hands are CRAZY itchy from handling a PANTLOAD of 80 year old photographs. Some of them I suspect, but have yet to confirm, are over 100 years old. Really, I should have been wearing gloves. I know, thank you for yelling at me through your screen. I heard you. But, seriously. Itchy. UGHHHHHHHH. You never know the things you are going to find when you are me. hahahah.
My son’s bookshelf couldn’t take the weight of the world (all of his books. Well not all. There are books everywhere) and collapsed. It’s death was not something we saw coming. So we are now walking around mountains of books, in several different rooms. Seriously. It’s a little ridiculous. What is also ridiculous is the rate in which my child devours books. And then wants to keep them… to read them again, and again. And by “ridiculous” I mean “just like his mother”. Damn genetics.
I really need to clean out my phone. The contents of my phone are like what you would imagine a toddler and a mad scientist sharing a desk and chair would be like. Yeah. That.
Lets see what’s in there. Shall we?
I’m just going to randomly grab some stuff and see what we get. Good thing I have no nudes. Of myself.
Ha. Okay. I don’t even know where that one came from.
Oh, that’s the sun set. Beautiful, no?
Oh bloody hell. That’s awful. That was the LAST time I was sick. I was just about fully improved, but as you can see, I look like complete HELL from three weeks of some Being hovering over me in a black hood.
Yeah. I don’t know. I also have no excuse.
Truth. Always.
And. Now, you know.
Yeah. Who the hell knows.
Alright, lets go with one more…..
Oh. That’s a keeper. Don’t instruct your phone to take multiple photos of you while you are making a crazy face, or you end up looking like one of those chicks making the Duck Face. I fucking hate Duck Face. I love that it rhymes with “Fuck Face”. Any way, I was making a crazy face because my frelling shoulder was falling asleep and the damn cat wouldn’t move without threat of claws in the eyeball. Good thing you guys already know I am completely out of my mind. ha.
I think that’s good for now. hahaha
Love you all
Catriona
xoxoxox
Like, you have no idea!
LOOK AT ME!
I AM HOT!!!!! I can’t even take it.
@JustTeeJay drew this portrait of me a while ago, and since my brain is scattered I had not updated. But HERE I AM. Don’t I look better as I age?!
If you haven’t already seen her work, take a gander. It will BLOW YOU AWAY.
Click HERE! HERE! HERE! HERE! HERE! HERE! HERE! HERE! HERE! HERE! HERE!
To visit her page!
Seriously, you wont be sorry.
I have to go stare at myself now. I’m just too sexy for my own good.
OXOXOXOX
Catriona
A photo dump, that is.. Hahaha
Let’s see what weird crap is on my phone. ..
Someone sent this to me and I think I laughed for an hour.
I donno who Jose is, but I must have liked his post. Lmao
Hahaha hah FYI!
Oh, I made this. Hahah. That’s my favorite of all my antique frames.
The water and sunsets on this side, are so, so beautiful!
Yep, that lives in my phone.
Yeah, I went there. This also lives in my phone. And I laugh every time I see it.
💚💚💚💚💚
For the record here: I DID NOT intent to post this. I knew it was in my phone, but didn’t even see it when I went looking… Then my screen went black and it had populated here…… … Let’s just move along..
Hahaha THIS.
Annnnnnd there you have it.
I hope you all are well. I miss you all. I have not forgotten about you. I hope to have the time to post more and read more. Some of the people I have met here have truly made a difference in my life, and I am so grateful for all of you. Except you. And Maybe you. You know who you are.
So… Tell me how you all are!!!
Xoxoox
Catriona
Spent the day cleaning, catching up on E-mails, and cleaning out half of my son’s closet to make a “Club House” so he’d stop searching about all the closets in the house with a pillow and flashlight. Lol.
Now the kid and I are now watching Sherlock. Lol.
I have the worst heartburn, ever. EVER. I may name it. Like, Bethany, or Beatrice. Nothing seems to help it. I think she’s here to stay with me and Pansy.
I have a lot on my mind. Pansy and I have been going at it again. Our fights are worse than ever. It’s worse when someone provokes Pansy, knowingly. Friggen awful that Pansy can be used against me. Oh well, everyone has a weakness, mine is just out there like a huge red lighted button for anyone to slam, causing me horrid pain.
Lots, and lots on my mind.
I think that’s enough for now.
OXOXOX
Catriona
Today Sucked.
However when I came home from picking up my child I opened the door to the smell of burning plastic.
Which, really, can only mean two things: 1. Grams gotten into the Crack again, or 2. Gram forgot about the bread in the oven and turned it on, again.
To my surprise is wasn’t Crack (OK, kidding. My Gram wouldn’t even know what that was).
Fresh Baked Bread, anyone?
LMAO
Goodnight friends
OXOXO
Catriona
to get some damn Horseradish Cheese?! Seriously.
I am serious, who?
I have no idea what I’m going to write about, and yet I can already tell I am going to need to add a NSFW disclaimer. Although.. I am SURE if you have been paying any amount of attention – that probably should go without saying. Haha. But, just in case we have any newbies ..let me just slap that up there..alright annnnnd we are good.
It seems I’ve been coming to write here less and less. I should knock that off. So MANY things have happen in the last 6 months. Terribly bad things, and some incredibly enjoyable (and then some). So I think we should play “Catriona Catch up”, which for the record, is waaaaay different than “Catriona Ketchup”. That’s just a friendly FYI if you didn’t already know.
Alright, on with the Recap of how fucked Catriona’s life is! Hahahah. It’s not going to be very detailed, for the most part. I just feel we should all be on the same page here. lol.
So if you have been following me, and there are a lot of you that do (I see you), you know the month of February was life altering annnnnnnd I lost my face. And my head, and some other things I really need. My son’s other parent went into the ICU at the same time as one of my closest friends. Both were close to death. (Oh and my sister committed the ultimate betrayal.)
Then the months kind of blend together. Hell lived in my house, and my heart.
My friend went from losing a leg, to having two heart attacks, and several other potentially life ending situations, to a nursing home. It continues to be a “Fresh Hell” rollercoaster every day for him (and those who love him).
In April, April? Yeah April, no. Maybe May? I have no idea. Anyway, one of those months brought my mother the gift of Cancer, again. I was still on my face from February.
I dropped some weight. Lost my boobs. If anyone locates them, please return to the address labeled.
Also in June -I traveled to see my mother. She is dying. We’ve become closer than ever. She’s a mess, but we are dealing with it.
What else, what else…oh yeah…
OH, I threw my son a Minion party. It was a blast.
I wrapped water bottles in duct tape and made, sigh, twinkie (gack) minions. hahha. It was held outdoors. You know you did something right when every child goes home covered in mud from head to toe. lmao. My son love it.
hmmm what else happened in the last few months…
I learned the truth about bananas:
I think that’s all I got.
I think you are all caught up.. WAIT NO. THIS HAPPENED TO ME:
I, um. I love clowns I do. BUT WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!
FUCK. Now I have to go put up a Clown warning. .
Alright, I think we are done with the recap. HAHAHAH!
Also, I’m just going to leave this here:
Hope you all are well, LMAO.
Catriona
CatrionaIsCrazy 