Ask Catriona II, uh wait – III?..hell if I know.

Here we go again. It’s time for some more questions. If you have no idea what I am talking about – you should read this, yo.

Q: Dear Catriona, my girlfriend is an asshole. What should I do?

ANSWER:

A. Kick her in the junk.

B. Seriously?! You don’t know what to do?! Kick her ass to the CURB.

C. Hey, everyone has an asshole.

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Q: What’s you fav color?

ANSWER:

Roy.  G.  Biv.

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Q: What are you wearing?

ANSWER:

A. Flip flops, pants, the entrails of a cow and a car door.

B. Lip Gloss and a cow head.

C. Striped shirt, black pants, and a cow tongue around my neck.

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Q: What is your fav food?

ANSWER:

Cheddar Chipmunks

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Q: You are so funny. How come you don’t write more often?

ANSWER:

A. You see, I’m a very busy woman. I’ve been hookin’ it a lot lately. Good for the pocket. Bad for the blog.

B. My dog only lets me use the internet at certain times.

C. I wake up in the morning with a whole pantload of crazy things to write about, everyday. However, life has a way of throwing assholes and potholes in your way. So, when I bulldoze through the assholes and potholes – that’s when I write.

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Q: Here is my Question. You are an asshole.

ANSWER:

A.Yeah, sure am. Wait, what? HAHAH!

B. AHHAHAHAAHHAHAH. Yup that is a question. I very good one, yes it is. The answer is TOOL. You are are one. Get back in your box.

C. How old are you? I think I need to speak to your parents. Not because you swore at me. And not because you obviously have some displaced anger issues, but because this is such a good question.

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Q: If you had a magic genie and one wish – what would it be?

ANSWER:

A. NEVER trust a genie. EVER.

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Q: What do you do for fun?

ANSWER:

A. Pester you people.

B. Ax murdering. It soothes the soul.

C. I’m a geek.

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Yeah, I think that’s enough for now.

Catriona

Ask Catriona

So, I keep disappearing. (It will happen from time to time. I have tons of projects I pull the strings for…)

And when I disappear, I get mail. A lot of mail.

Some hate mail, some love mail, but mail none the less (for the record, I really, really LOVE the hate mail). I get questions and comments,  and just plan raw ridiculousness that makes me squish with excitement.

I’ve decided! I’ve decided that I’m going to start posting the messages, and tweets and weird stuff that I get from all the various media outlets that I lend myself to, here. Well not all, that’s crazy talk. Some. The some that I like, or the some that I think should be out in the land of entertainment, the land of real. Unless you give me direct permission to use your first name, user name, or sex handle (whatever you are into, weirdo) I will post them anonymously.

I get so many questions. SO.MANY.QUESTIONS. I love questions, I do. But, it would be so much easier for my lazy ass if they were, for the most part, in the same place. So, I will be answering questions on posts like this one. They will be filed under “Ask Catriona” and you will be free to read all the stuff people say to me when they think no one is looking. LMAO You are all free to ask any question you feel the need to ask, here, as well. I reserve the right to tell you to go to hell and delete your post (very rarely will I do this, but I draw the line at child abuse and old people beating questions, or statements). I almost always answer every question. Just sometimes never in any type of speedy manner.

Oh, also. For the most part – you will get more than one answer to choose from. I believe in freedom, and you have the freedom to believe what you want to be believe. And I have the freedom to keep you guessing, mofo.

Let’s start with the last round of questions and comments I have received. No names will be used, as no one had a chance to give permission.

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Q: Catriona, what do you smell like?

ANSWER(s):

A. I smell like I imagine a fresh vagina would, while dancing in the rain.

B. I smell like a tonic made from fruit flies.

C. Walnuts.

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Q: Is Catriona your real name?

ANSWER(s):

Yes, one of my many. Bologna being my first.

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Q: Can I have your phone number?

ANSWER(s):

A. No, but the reason isn’t you, it’s me. I’m the biggest stalker EVER. Sometimes (read: MOST times) I cannot help myself and I get a little out of hand. The collection of protection orders against me is starting to pile up, and my lawyer says that I need to stop, like, now.  He also wont let me publish a compilation of the protection orders all the lovers of the world have lovingly bestowed upon me. He’s an asshole.

B. Fuck that shit, yo.

C. I would, but you need to talk to my pimp first.

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Q: Can I have you E-mail address?

ANSWER(s):

A. Of course you can! Duh, it’s Ilovethecrack@braahahahaha.com

B. NO, weirdo!

C. I might be reachable at Catrionaiscrazy@gmail.com.

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That’s not even the tip of the weirdoburg. I love the weirdoburg.

Alright, that is all for now.

Catriona

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