I’ve been trying to get into the Holiday spirt. It’s not working.
Here’s some photos of me faking it. LOL.
I’ve been trying to get into the Holiday spirt. It’s not working.
Here’s some photos of me faking it. LOL.
I own an obnoxiously colored older Toyota Prius. Seriously. We chose the car make, model, and year based on the fact that the kid would be driving it. The safety ratings were amazing – basically the little car turns into a little bubble on impact. The gas mileage was the other thing. I fully intended to give the car to my kid for college and since I am requesting no job the first year, I am footing the bill for gas. lol.
We bought the car with a lot of miles on it. I didn’t care because it was just meant to be the Kid’s first car, and everything that we read said that a prius would last longer than the average car so I wasn’t worried. It wasn’t expensive. Again, it was just supposed to the the family car for my mini me to learn how to drive and then I’d give the car to the kid and get one we really wanted….
But after this road Trip — I don’t know if I can give it up! Hahahah this thing handled my wife’s heavy foot, HEAVVVVY FOOT, climbed mountain roads (looking back were suchhhh a bad idea). It banged through several rocky parks and remote areas. We drove from Florida to South Carolina, then to camp in the Great Smokey Mountains. From there we went all the way through TN, down to New Orleans, on to New Mexico and the Arizona. Keep in mind we stopped in several towns in each state all within a two week time frame. We beat the crap out of this little car and it never once let us down. We then turned around and drove back. This thing is a machine. I can’t tell you how impressed I am. I may, no I probably will, buy another Prius. Plus. I cannot tell you how amusing it is to watch the wife speed by sports cars in a obnoxious tiny car yelling “SUCK MY PRIUS!” when someone fliped her off. BAHAHHAA.
I will have an entry coming about the trip coming soon. Getting back to work and such was harder than I thought it was going to be. lol. Check out my Twitter and Facebook for a few photos and such. I was live updating there.
I’m in the US and I’m fearful.
We have uteruses.
We are gay.
My child will be directly effected if the US decides to “revisit” gay & trans laws.
I am absolutely at a loss. Next month we were to take a family road trip through several states to see which state we liked the best that is not the one we are currently in, look at colleges, and avoids US boarders. But, now what do I do? Do I instead nix that idea and save my money to find another country? If it were just me I would literally pack a bag, leave and figure it out when I got there. But I have a family, an elderly dog.
So tell me about your Country. Tell me about the laws you know of. Tell me how beautiful it is. Or, warn me about your Country and tell me why.
I’m currently doing research, but I need your input. AND GO!
(C. Where you at?)
Yeah, I did. It didn’t surprise me.
I knew as soon as I added verbiage that revealed I had a wife not a husband even my long time followers would drop off. I lost people that I had conversated with often all because my person was not the gender seen appropriate to you.
Originally when I started writing 10 years ago —- 10 YEARS AGO, whoa. I was concerned for privacy, I had a young child and a mentally unwell partner. We couldn’t afford any type of a hate crime. I was pulling us forward by strings and any loss or injury to one of us would have sent us all spiraling — as my followers close friends witnessed when my wife committed suicide. I had us packed tightly and safely in this little bubble for a long time. No rainbows. No new friends. Nothing that could put us in the spotlight.
I had always thought I’d reveal more about my life (here) as a sort of social experiment later in life. See who reacted and how. I’ve always been a people watcher, it’s interesting you know? But that all fell to the side when my wife fell apart and I couldn’t catch her. After she left I did more than spiral. The only thing that I could muster was to keep my child’s world stable. Everything else mental, behind the scenes, mine – it suffered, and I outed myself when my kid was no longer a young child. Then, recently I have been more verbal because that same kid is 18 and I was mentally ready to deal with the digital shenanigans that comes with being openly different in a world with no genuine tolerance.
So. Just so you know I noticed the ones that immediately left. I noticed the ones that stuck around to make sure it wasn’t a phase and to quote a message I received “would finally find God”. lol I saw it all.
You know what else I saw? The hate in a CNA’s eyes when she asked me if what she heard was correct and I had a wife. The look deepen when I turned to give her my full attention and answer her. The look I couldn’t put my finger on till later when she said “They put them to death with stones where I come from”. Instead of getting upset I asked her to tell me more. I could see the wheels turning. Her eyes softened when I listened and took it all in. I then saw something I recognized. I thanked her for sharing with me. I noticed the bewilderment.
A week later I saw her again and she hurried towards me. The same person who stepped back when I told her my child was raised by two woman, she rushed at me and grabbed my arm. She pulled me to the side and asked me if it would be ok if she asked me some questions. I thought she meant about the patient I was caring for. She asked me every question she could think of about lesbians and gay people. I answered every one as honestly as I could. She told me she wasn’t supposed to speak to gay people; Her culture saw that in the same way they saw actual gay people. I told her that I understood and would answer any questions she had in any way she needed. I never once said a negative word about the culture that hated me so much. I simply thanked her for educating me.
She went on to catch me a few more times openly in the hospital and asked me more questions. Each time becoming more and more friendly.
I moved to the overnight shift and thought about her once in a while. We worked opposite shifts and I hadn’t seen her for months until a few weeks ago. I saw her walking quickly towards me. I smiled through my mask and had the intention of walking by her with a little head nod adhering to our previous encounters in openly public areas. Only this time she RUSHED at me full force and pulled me into a hug loudly demanding to know where I had been, in the café of a busy hospital. I don’t think I ever smiled so big.
last week I saw her again from afar. She was sporting a hair cut that is not common for someone in her culture. It’s a hair cut I see often in my community. I walked up to her to say hi and received the same welcome as last time, same busy café, same huge hug. I immediately expressed how much I loved her hair and she gave me that look, you know the one, smiled and hugged me again. All because I noticed through the hate.
So, to all of you who have walked away because of who I choose to make my person: CatrionaIsCrazy@gmail.com any day, any time.
Also, Fuck Mondays.
I’ve hit a wall.
I am a firm believer that when you or your family hit a wall you move the wall. Break it, blow that shit up, you do whatever you need to. Hitting a wall is just a pause or a warning. You reevaluate. You move the wall.
I’m burned out. I pushed hard when we got hit with Covid. I pushed harder than I have ever pushed to make sure I could take care of my family. People were losing jobs, told to go home all over the world. I was not going to be one of them. People were losing their homes or living on borrowed time because they couldn’t pay their rent. It was only a matter of time for them. Healthcare professionals were being sent home in droves, or sent into forced early retirement. It was bonkers. That was not going to happen to us. I pushed. I moved up twice. I took on Covid from the beginning even when we didn’t know what we were working with because my coworkers were just kids. Scared kids. I headed the covid “Team” because I wasn’t scared (not in the way everyone else was). I knew scared people make mistakes. All it would have taken was one scared kid making a mistake and taking out the entire team. In in beginning, even highly trained professionals were breaking under pressure, so it had to be me. So, I did it. Every day until I couldn’t. For over a year I was one of two that responded to EVERY Covid patient. I was the one that directed how we handled things. It was the only thing I could do to help. I ended up with my own team, and then my own shift. I moved the wall more times than I can explain to you. I’m tired now. I’m a workaholic and for the first time in my life I need a break. Even when I’m sick I don’t sit down. I need to sit the fuck down. (Click here if you are new here – might help. lol)
I just explained it to my other half like this: “My check engine light is on. You know the one that comes on even when everything seems fine, but you know that it’s only a matter of time before everything comes to a full stop? Yeah. That. My check engine light is on.”
I have to change courses and slow down. Maybe the new trash human taking over as Supervisor is the Universe intervening. Horrible timing tho, wtf Universe. Braces and college, hello?
So, back to the drawing board. Working on some passive income so I can slow down at work. Or, you know, if that fails I will be that 40 year old on the pole at your local dance club. Hahahahah.
Off to ignore the laundry on my bed.
This kid is 18. Can you believe that?
I remember when they handed me my newly birthed baby. Everyone left and I was alone. I put the baby on my chest – I remember thinking: “Fuck. What am I going to do now?” Hahaha. In that moment, I really had absolutely no idea. It wasn’t that I didn’t want this baby. If there was every a baby that was wanted or needed, it was this one, let me tell you. But, I was in over my head and I knew it. My bio parental units were broken long before they had me, so trust when I say I didn’t have a lot to work with reference wise. Well, maybe that’s incorrect. I knew what I wouldn’t be doing, lol. But passed that, I was a teenager with an infant and I was well aware.
I went to sleep that night and woke up in a nightmare in which my teenage ass was responsible for an infant that had a frequent habit of trying to die (internal bleeding & allergic to everything, EVERYTHING).
Then suddenly I had a toddler.
Then I had a 6 year old skipping grades because when we transitioned from homeschooling to Montessori school he was testing at 8th grade and 12th grade in some subjects.
Then I blinked and this kid was telling me he didn’t think he wanted to be a Neurologist any more and why. So we reworked what college he was aiming for in the coming years.
Then I looked away for a min, I swear to you it was just min, and he graduated High school.
Then I leaned down to pick up his hat, and he turned 18.
We were in Target one day and he said “MOM LOOK” and smiled real big while telling me the “D” in the front of the cart looked like a mouth smiling. This is by far one of my favorite photos. He couldn’t have been more then 4 or 5 here.
This was yesterday. Look at this kid. I’m speechless. My whole heart turned 18 yesterday. Watch out world.
We spent the day eating junk food & Hershey’s Icecream cake while watching Moon Knight (what a weird show, not bad…but).
18. I don’t even know how we got here. LOL
P.s. C. where you at? Check your E-mails.<3
Of course my kid would choose and get accepted to a private college, out of state.
Offfffff course it would cost 40k a year. Of course. Even with the college fund and my savings – it’s a four year program. sigh (that’s after the massive scholarship).
Maybe I should learn to make penis socks.
Stand on the corner maybe? I think I’m too old to get on the pole.
I never asked my kid’s bio father for child support. Man am I kicking myself now. Kidding. Fucking that.
Even if I kick the bucket right now, my life insurance would only cover two years of school. LOL
What if I start an OnlyFans of me sitting in the backyard reading aloud nineteenth-century literature? Because really I feel like that’s all I am capable of.
To the back yard I go!
Penis socks? OH MY STARS, IF IT ISSSSSS PENIS SOCKS I WANT TO SEEEEEEEEE!
Can you guess what’s under my bed?
Did you guess Ramen?
NO? Well you obviously don’t have kids pftttt.
This is parenting. Duh.