Category Archives: My son is better than yours.

That is not the type of thing that shows up in an Autopsy.

Hi. OH. Are you wondering what I meant by my title? Yeah, me too. LOL. My brain has the tenancy to just populate random sentences. Half the time it even surprises me.

life is funny, you know? In the blink of an eye everything changes. I swear I blinked and my smiley, giggly toddler grew up to be a smiley teenager. TEENAGER. I own one of those? CRAP. I own one of those. I should be terrified. I should be, but I’m not. Denial? Maybe. Maybe I have faith that him and I can work through anything. Yeah. That is what it is.

I’ve been walking a lot. I know, you are all Surprised. 

Walking around here is always fascinating. You go from Cow Town, knee deep in grass, horses giving you the hairy eye-ball..from all directions..to suddenly… a huge town as far as the eye can see. I love how quite it is here.

Night time is one of my favorite times to walk.

There is only one street light for a while.

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The sky is my favorite possession. Even when it’s grey, or completely dark, it’s beauty shines through.

 

HOLY CRAP – My Facebook just alerted me to THIS:

Trump

If that is not just as terrifying as thereal Trump…….

OK internet. I am DONE for the day. Damn.

 

Take care guys!

Catriona

XOXOXOX

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Catriona in the cow field 

My better half had this weird thing with winning me cows from various fairs, machines, and weird game stands. I don’t even know how it started. Lol. We had two particular stuffed cows that were my favorite Henfers. (Better Half named all cows “Hefner”, it was hilarious). One was obnoxiously large and round. The other was so tiny, you couldn’t help but laugh at the sheer ridiculousness. Both Hefners lived on our bed for years. 

Unfortunately, I only have one Hefner left. The small one. It’s now locked in a box I had made for my son….I will go into that another time… 

Every cow I received had this goofy friggen look on its face. The kind you could be Earth-Shatteringly-Angry, and still couldn’t keep a straight face if you saw one of these things. So, as you can imagine I can’t see a cow, even a real cow, without laughing like an idiot. Every. Damn. Time. It’s made worse if the cow desides to throw a “Moo” at me. I can’t see a cow, or hear a cow, without smiling like an idiot. 

Annnnnddddd then there’s the part where I live close to cows pastures.  I can’t really go anywhere without seeing a cow. It’s a bit obnoxious, really. Even my son has started to notice. We’ve been taking long walks lately, and just sort of exploring. Recently he looked up and said “MOM! Hefner got huge!”.  I laughed, the cows started Mooing, we laughed more… I had to eventually pull us away. Which really proved hard, as their were cow fields on both sides of us for a good twenty minutes. Anyone passing us by would have thought we were nuts. 

It’s been over a year since she died. Yeah guys; I said she. 

The thing about me coming back to writing is that while I was away… We will say “someone”…  decided that stalking me on the internet, cloning my media sites, posting fake nudes… Yeah, you read that right…. Throwing all of my private information (including the town I live in, my son’s name and nick names, my business information, including this blog) out in the open while at the same time harassing anyone and everyone they could. The idea was to ruin my reputation. The idea was  to pop the safe little bubble I had created to protect my son and myself from the internet… Because parenting, and privacy… However it didn’t work. Those who knew me laughed and kept on truckin’. Those who didn’t know me, sort of shook their heads in disgust,  but came back to me with questions.. Concerns.. Because what was posted and said was so bizarre. In the end none of it matters other than I no longer have the privacy I once had, and really at this point: fuck it. LMAO

 You see, if you have been following me regularly I generally use gender neutral pronouns for my better half. Was I ashamed, you ask? Hell no! I didn’t want readers to get stuck on WORDS. I didn’t want it to be even more obvious of who I was. Lol. I skimmed over things that would easily identify me. But, “someone” has made it so that it is easily tracible to who I am. So, from now on, it’s going to be all out in the open… Watch out internet, BECAUSE NOW I REALLY HAVE NO FILTER! LMAO

So, join me on this new journey of letting it all hang out… And finally knitting some penis socks. 

Catriona 

XOXOXOXOX

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Dumping Wednesday 

Ever feel like your phone is too HEAVY? Like you just need to flip it over and see what dumps out onto the floor? Yeah. Me too. 

Let’s see what would fall out of my phone if that was possible:

Oh! I just made this for dinner. This is a crunchy wrap. Filled with Avocado, rice, tomatoes, spinach, salsa, cheese, sautéed peppers and onions and whatever other leftovers I could find. So good. 

Ooooo! This one is a cute little Mom and Pop shop I found the other day. I love those! 

This is what it looked like yesterday when we went for a walk. Doooom! 

I’m “Medieval as fuck”, FYI. 

Yeah, I have a prescription… 

Ooo found this at the store the other day!! 

WhateverTheHellThisIs:




My app is mean to me:


LOL. I have some ridiculous stuff in my phone. It’s a good thing when I drop it, it isn’t actually capable of allowing all my weirdness fall out! 
Catriona 

OXOXOXOX

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Hold on to your trousers; I’m BACK!

After almost a year long hiatus, I’m BACK!

 

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You guys don’t know how much I have missed you. Without you I have had no place for my useless rambling to go! HA. Except at those in my direct vicinity. Heh. You’errrrrr Welcome, guys….

While I have stumbled back in the door here like some drunkin’ Salor,  HhhheeeeyyyyyYYYYYYY, I’ve also revived my twitter. So, STALK ME. 

HOW ARE YOU ALL? TELL ME! TELL ME! TELL MMMMEEEEE!

Just a quick update – Don’t worry. I will be Bach.

Catriona

XOXOXO

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Do you need dating advice? My 10 year old can help.

Apparently my 10 year old son knows more about dating than I do. 

We walked by a bridal store today. These stores NEVER catch my eye. Ever. But the dress in the window caused me to come to a complete stop. It was stunning. I muttered something about weddings. And the most bizarre conversation then proceeded to take place between my son and I:

Well if you want to get married, there are steps you know. You have to date. Then you fall in love. Then you have a baby. Then you get married. – Kid

*raised eye brow* Oh?

Yes. You need to date. – Kid

Um. No, I don’t.

Yes, you do. It would be good for you. – Kid

What? How would you know. 

I just do. – Kid

I don’t need to date, Kid. I am fine. 

No, you need to start dating. It will get your mind of (insert contents on my brain, here). – Kid

WHAT? That is not how it works child. You don’t date to get your mind off things and people. You do it to find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. It just so happens I am not down for that at this moment. 

Yeah, I know, but it will help, and you could find someone… That would make you happy, and wear that dress. *giggles* – Kid

Whoa kid. No, I am not wearing that dress, and I am not dating. 

Yes you are. – Kid

No, I’m not. I am not interested in dating, at all. The dress was beautiful, that’s all. 

Now, mind you, this entire conversation took place at one of our local shopping centers.

You should be. – Kid

What? Why?

Because you are beautiful, and you should date while you are still beautiful. – Kid

WHAT? *lols* are you saying time is running out on my beauty? *woman rounds the corner to come down the isle* Trust me lady, you don’t want ANY of this isle. 

*giggles* You should just try. – Kid

I have tried. 

WHAT DID YOU DO TO MESS IT UP? – Kid

Oh my starts kid, I didn’t mess it up (almost dying in laughter now). It just didn’t work. 

WHAT DID YOU DO? – Kid

I didn’t DOOOO anything. It just didn’t work out. 

You need to start dating again, mom. – Kid

WHAT DO YOU GET OUT OF IT, CHILD?

Nothing, I just think it will help you. – Kid

Help me what?

Well, I am getting older you know, what happens when I am not around? – Kid

YOU ARE TEN.

Yeah. You should date. – Kid

Oh my god, Kid. 

You can go on dinners and fall in love, and forget about Mom.  – Kid

That’s not how it works. 

Just do it. *pointing to Nike shoes* – Kid

Kid, you are killing me. I am going to sell you on the Black Market. 

No you’re not. – Kid

Yes I am. Stop touching stuff. You are getting your boy hands all over the girly stuff. 

Don’t change the subject. – Kid

I am selling you *Yells out in the middle of the store* CHILD FOR SALE!

*Falling over giggling* – Kid

I donno why you are laughing. I am selling you RIGHT NOW. 

Nope. You are going to start dating RIGHT NOW. – Kid

Yeah. Right after I sell you. 

Fine. You know you attract a lot of attention. It would be easy for you. – Kid

CHILD, CHILD FOR SALE! *all four ladies in line are laughing, the cashier is shaking her head. Though I am not sure which one of us should was more unimpressed with.* What the hell, kid. I will date when I am ready. 

Now? – Kid

NO.

How about now? – Kid

I am going to leave you here.

I know how to get home. – Kid

I am running away. 

With a date? – Kid

OH MY STARS CHILD. 

It went on like this for about an hour. Apparently I need to start dating. He doesn’t care who. He doesn’t even care what I do, I just need to date, someone, anyone. LMAO.

I couldn’t sell him btw. No one would take him. Maybe they figured he gave faulty advice. 

I have got to go to bed. Maybe I will find a date there.

OXOXOOX

Catriona

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No one’s got time for that, Batman.

My kid, I tell ya.

So today I was sitting on the couch messing with my phone as my son played Mincraft.

annnnnd then Pandora does what it loves to do: scare the crap outa me by starting up by itself.

annnnd the song was GREAT. And by GREAT I mean it was horrid, but my son’s reaction was fantastic.

*spins around to glare in my direction* “What the?! Is that Batman? WHAT is that? That’s terrible. No one’s got time for that, Batman.” – Son

So naturally, I downloaded it, and set it as my texting ring tone. And since I have been talking to my brother all day, every day (a boring story), it didn’t take long for it to play.

“WHAT. WHY?” -Kid

*laughing so hard I fall over on the couch* “What?” – Me

“WHY BATMAN? WHY?” – Kid

“What, you don’t like that song?” -Me

“No, I certainly do not.” – Kid

“But you like Batman.” – Me

“BUT WHY IS HE TALKING LIKE THAT?” – Kid

I giggle, and he goes back to playing. I mute the sound so he doesn’t hear it go off.

About 30 mins later, I turn the sound back on:

“Seriously? you chose THAT as your ring tone? Dirty Batman.” – Kid

“OK, time to go shopping.” – Me

So, we get into the grocery store and it goes off:

“REALLY? You are ok with people hearing that???” – Kid

“Sure, why not?” – Me

*Whips out his phone* “I am going to spam you so everyone can hear it” *evil grin* – Kid

*Pulls phone out of pocket and holds it up so everyone can hear* “OK” – Me

“Oh my God, you don’t care.” -Kid

“Nope” – Me

“Why don’t you care? It’s HORRIBLE. And it’s Batman.” – Kid

“It’s not Batman, it’s Manson.” -Me

“It’s Crazy. And it’s Batman.” – Kid

“It’s Manson.” – Me

“Why’s he calling himself ‘Daddy’? – Kid

“Does Batman Call himself Daddy?” – Me

“No.” -Kid

“Because it’s Marilyn Manson.” – Me

“No.” – Kid

I laugh harder than one should in an store, and shut it off. The subject then went to what kind of tomatoes were are going to get.

When we get home I put everything away, and turn the the notifications on my phone back on. I walk up the stairs and am just about in my room when it goes off. This is what I hear from down stairs:

“NOOOOOOooooo Marilyn Batman!”

BAHAHAHHAHAHAH!

It really is a horrid song. It’s Marilyn Manson and …..Wait for it…..Avril Lavigne. Yeah. What? 

The beginning is Manson’s growly voice saying “Lay your head in daddy’s lap, you’re a bad girl.”

If you want to hear a horrid song click HERE.

And for those who are going to listen and then scream that I let my son listen to THAT. He’s only heard the beginning. Also, he plays XBOX. He’s already heard everything under the Sun. 

XOXOXOXOX

Catriona

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