Category Archives: I NEED AN STD!

Little blue bag of feelings

Grief is a weird thing. It looks different on everyone.

Recently, I lost a friend from work. She was an amazing human. Always had an answer and a smile. She was always helpful. Even when the pandemic made it hard to be.

I took it pretty hard. My better half must have known. Came home with a pretty blue bag filled with “The stages of grief”. It was literally a bag of pastries. Each one names after a stage. I laughed so hard.

I ate “Anger” for dinner that night, funny enough.

“Depression” was amazing. But, “Bargaining” , “Bargaining” couldn’t have been any better.

I guess what I am trying to say is get yourself a partner that will bring you a little blue bag of feelings when you’re sad. Hahahah.

Catriona

XOXOXOX

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Kid vs Metal Cactus

So. Mother’s day.

Imagine my confusion when I wake up to my Better Half describing a PUNCTURE WOUND surrounded by scratches in my kid’s arm. Better Half goes on to tell me that the night before the kid was at a friend’s and slipped. The arm is patched up, but looks deep. Goes on to tell me it was caused by a fall against metal cactus at the pool. Yeah, you read that correctly. I made better Half Half tell me twice because I thought for sure I’d smoked crack by mistake and was hearing word soup. Nope. Metal cactus by the pool.

All I could think of was allllllll the tetanus. All. Of. It.

I had so many questions.

I’m sorry, what? A real cactus would fuck up your day, but a metal one? That sounds like a great addition to a slippery area!! Fuck yeah, let’s put that bitch by the pool!! What? I. Ugh. How is that even pool themed?! What the actual hell. Who the actual fuck did that??

Needless to say I spent Mother’s day in Urgent care.  Stitches and a tetanus shot WOOOOO!

Kid 0 // Metal Cactus 1

Only my kid.

Catriona

XOXOXOX

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Teenagers are the stuff of Nightmares

Don’t have kids.

Or do, but like, sell them off before they can talk. That’s what I should have done. (holy crap, I’m kidding, keep your pants on. Or ammmm I?)

This kid is sassy AND costing me an arm and a leg in school fees.

Raised my kids to reach for the stars and they did. Now I have to pay up . HAHAH

I may end up on the pole after all.

Catriona

XOXOXO

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WRONG TURN!

Ummmmmmmmmmmmm

I. Um. Well.

That moment you go read the blog of someone who liked your post, only to find that they, um. They must not be familiar with your blog. Like, this person must have just been randomly clicking to drum up their views because I can assure you from their page…..uh, they um. Would not like me. LMAO.

I clicked on their page and immediately was like “OOOOhhhhh I have taken a wrong turn. WRONG TURN!” lololol and then I thought “What the hell are YOU doing on my page?” Hahahah.

But, for the record all are safe here.

Well. I mean. If you are a pedo or a racist you aren’t, but everyone else for the most part. LOLOL.

So just as a reminder: #BLM #LoveIsLove #DontBeAnAssHole

Catriona

XOXOXO

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My Tea Cup Is Pissing Me Off

I’m killing time at Whole Foods. Spoiler Alert: I do not look like I belong here. lol

I have to go to the pet store annnnnnd it doesn’t open until 9am. My Poptart needs worms.

I am trying to be good and didn’t get coffee. I grabbed some Peach Ginger Pear Tea Weirdness and am sitting here trying to be patient. BUT MY TEA IS PISSING ME OFF. The bags have these cute little leafs instead of squares. BUT THEY ARE DRIPPING.

MY FUCKING LEAFS ARE DRIPPPPPPINGGGGGGG.

DRIPPPPPPPPPPINGGGGGGG

My stars, that picture is huge. Eh Screw it.

I guess I am off to get worms.

Catriona

XOXOXO

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Mouth Botulism

AAHAHAHAHAHAH. I am done for today. I. AM. SO. AMUSED.

So, earlier I was standing at my stove waiting for my water to boil while eating a left over quesadilla. I get this, like, shock to my entire jaw when I first bite into food. It’s so painful. It’s been that way as long as I can remember. Howevvvvvvver that’s not saying much as we all know my memory. Annnyyyyyywayyyyy. It suddenly hit me that maybe its not normal? LOL. Everyone feels like they’re getting punched in the face every time they eat, right? RIGHT?!

Turns out, nope. Nope, everyone does not feel like they are getting punch in the face when they eat. Ok, but that’s not the part that caught my attention (wait for it). So I looked it up. It’s called “first bite syndrome” (wait for it. Also, accurate naming doctor people, great job). It’s damage, usually as a complication to surgery, to the sympathetic innervation of the parotid gland leading to parasympathetic overactivity (waaaaaait for it). It can also be caused by tumors. Getting First bite syndrome is apparently very rare (wait for it). However, have no fear there are treatments!

THERE IT IS! BOTULINUM. hahahaha I’m dead. Offfff Course that’s that answer. That is enough of the interwebs for me.

XOXOXOX

Catriona

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Don’t be jelly

I’ve worked a full (overnight) shift and now have to drive 3 hours to bring my kid to prom. (PROM. You guys remember when this kid was just a wee thing right? Ahhhhhh!) Prom doesn’t quite look like I thought it would. But, I’m super proud regardless.

Pheonix has been following me around everywhere. She’s getting old. Aren’t we all. My kid will be 18 this year. I can’t believe it.

I’m off to clean out my car!

Have a great weekend everyone!

XOXOXO

Catriona

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Sea of Red Precautions

Holy shit. It’s Friday. I’m wrapped in a burrito blanket (like for real, a burrito blanket. I have two and refuse to sleep without at least one) drinking wine. This week has been fucking brutal. Half my team….. Sigh….nevermind; You’d would have no idea what I was talking about as I haven’t filled you all in on my life.

I’ve been getting a lot of questions about my life and my son since I’ve been gone, since the pandemic. So let’s start here: I work in one of the largest hospitals in the area. The pandemic and I reported for duty the same month. Lmao. I took the job as a side job to the job I already had and to test my brain. If you have been with me over the last 10 years, hospitals used to set off my PTSD. I figured I’d either crumple like a Kmart lawn chair, or stomp my ass forward.

I did both. Crumpled during training. Oh. It was bad. I fell on my face. My body and mind rebelled. I took a week off. I yelled at myself and went back. Then I was good. I was good. Yeah, I was good till I had to report to a trauma room in the ED (ER). Did you know they use the same wooden cabinets in most trauma ED rooms? Yeah, I didn’t either. I looked over at those cabinets and I swear to the stars they looked back. Like they were saying “hey bitch, remember me?”. Oh. I remembered them. I did. I remembered. Good thing Adrenaline kicked in to save me from PTSD so I could focus on the patient in front of me. You know, Trauma room. Ha. And that’s how I powered through every day. PTSD creeping up until Adrenaline focused my attention…. Until I started reporting to ICU. ICU. Sigh. Just arriving on the unit caused PTSD to stand up and get ready to fuck shit up. The first several patients I took care of had her face. They really did. They had her face until one of them coded on me. Then I could see the patient’s face clearly. Turns out, I still perform well under pressure. (Pretty sure this is the only thing I’m good at. Have I every told you guys the story of how my new born tried to die on me while I was bleaching my sister’s hair and I managed to keep him alive and pull the chemicals out of her hair so it didn’t literally burn her hair and scalp off? Lol). A week later a guy coded in my arms. I remember his face clearly.

They stopped having her face after that.

And then, then Covid-19 descended upon us and I couldnt look away. I was in constant high alert. PTSD didn’t even have a chance, Adrenaline took over as soon as I stepped foot into the building. I headed the Covid-19 team for my department and that’s all I did. All day.

About a month into the Pandemic I took advantage and weened myself off the PTSD meds, all of them. While PTSD was pinned to a wall by Adrenaline I figured then was my only chance. It was risky, I had no idea what I was doing but I had this urge that felt like my chest would explode if I didn’t try. . Looking back, ohhhhhh mannnnnn that could have gone sideways in so many ways. Haha. I’m so glad I did it. I’ve been med free since then after more years than I can count.

I ran straight into the center of Covid, I did overtime on top of overtime. At one point, I was the only one left standing when covid took out every single person on my team. I kept on trucking. I volunteered everyday to work with covid patients. I swear I lived at that hospital. Within three months I made permanent (unheard of at the time for my department) within 6 months I was training our new hires to help our Trainer. Shortly after, I became the Trainer for my entire department. Now, I’m a Lead, the Trainer, and the Safety Coach for my department.

I guess what I’m getting at is I’ve worked through COVID-19 since the beginning. I’ve seen some shit. I’ve seen shit go sideways and then do the Morbid Macarena. And this week, this week has been the worst. I’ve never seen so many positive Covid-19 patients. It’s a sea of Red Precautions in our ED (Red airborne signs in the ED). Basically I’ve lived in my Capr; Shit show for sure. Half my team is down due to COVID-19, again. This week has been fucking brutal. So, back to being wrapped up in a burrito drinking wine.

My Capr. 07.28.21

WARNING: Covid-19 Karen behavior will absolutely not be tolerated. I swear to the stars if I get any comments: “Covid-19 isn’t real, it’s a scam, blah blah” or whatever uneducated keyboard warrior bullshit people are spewing I will delete you so fast it will make your head spin to Mars. Then, I won’t think about you again until im calling a code on your infected ass.

Stay safe guys. Wash your hands. Don’t lick any toilet bowls. You know, behave.

Catriona

Xoxoxox

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Accidental Botox

If you have ever wondered what I would look like with actual botox: it’s not good. I got a sneak peak this week after having the pleasure of a root canal. They had to hit me so many times with numbing meds, they blew up my lip and face. It was hysterically awful. I then sauntered over to work. Couldn’t talk well, completely numb up to my eyebrow, it was a good time. One I will have the pleasure of enduring again in about a week as they couldn’t complete the procedure because the tooth was so jacked up. How do people do this more than once? Hell to the no thank you.

In other news snap chat has an amazing filter you should all try and then show me:

Go on. Don’t be shy.

Welp, that’s all I got. I don’t know what to do with myself now that I’m not a good candidate for botox. What ever shall I do? Lol

Catriona

Xoxoxo

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I should just write “Titties”.

Whoooooa. I didn’t expect the response I got from you all when I popped back on here. LOL. I opened my email, and my messages to such lovely notes. HUGS. Thank you for that. It was needed. Seriously.

Did anyone else read “Titties” when reading my last tittle? No? It’s just me? Oh well. Every time I see it I find myself thinking “My titties never match my content? What? Oh. HA. duh.”

For the love of coffee, the new format for WordPress and these “Blocks” shenanigans are rather annoying. I need to mess with it more because my stars is it pissing me off. Or, maybe it’s the lack of coffee. Yeah. It’s the lack of coffee.

Oh look a new block.

AND ANOTHER ONE!

“Type / to choose a block” BITCH WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE TELLING ME WHAT TO DO!? Yeah. It’s definitely the lack of coffee.

Wait. Hold on. Maybe theses blocks and I can be friends; A few clicks and you guys can see all the weird shit in my google photos. Aren’t you lucky? hahah.

Alright. Well. I have to take one of the kids to the dentist. So, pants. I guess.

Catriona XOXOX

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