Tag Archives: Shoe horn

HEY, Can’t you see I’m drooling here?!

Yeah, Hi. Good Morning.

I despise morning. Who ever invented mornings should be taken out back and shot. In the knee caps. Then, tied to an angry cow. Yeah, I said it. You know you were thinking it. Anrgry.Mother.Fuckin’.Cow.

Have you ever had one of those mornings where you sit in the other room listening to what you strongly HOPE is the coffee dripping into the cup, and not the floor, and wonder…..am I going to have to lick my coffee from the floor, agian… damn…… At home, I don’t have this issue because I use a coffee press not a mofoin’ one cup Keurig thingie. Evil Keurig. FUCK YOU KEURIG.

I’m getting old. I think I will pick up knitting. I think my first attempt at knitting will be a Penis Sock. Xmas is just around the corner and since a lot of people I love happen to own a penis – I need  to get going. The problem here is how does one go about deciding the size of the sock needed?……yeah, think about that one for a min.

Alright, I am off….heh….






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Coffee & Penis Socks?!

My office is a very odd room. I suspect it was a porch at one point remodeled to be part of the main structure. I’m not even sure what it is now, a mud room maybe? It’s a very narrow room with three very different doors on three different walls, complimented by very oddly shaped windows. I have beautiful  french doors on the far end, and a very heavy, old, wooden backdoor-ish looking door across from a “french door wannabe.” The two are lined up sorta  in the middle of the room. The only door that leads to the outside of the house is the “wannabe.”  Essentially what this means is; Setting up furniture in this room was a bitch AND when I get really frazzled, I can just run through a bunch of doors in a fairly small circle, without ever leaving the house. Something I’m sure I’ll admit to having done at least a few times in a later entry.

Doors, ah, that leads me to the topic at hand. I was sitting at my desk drinking my coffee, enjoying my morning, when the french doors caught my eye. I instantly remembered I had forgotten to look for, and buy a frog. Why did they remind me of frogs? Fuck if I know. Not a real one mind you. Just a frog to send to my sister as I do when Holidays or special events come around. She has a rather unhealthy obsession with frogs, and possibly apples. I’m an enabler.

So off to the internet I went. I came across a website I’ve never visited before: SunTeckStore.com. So me and my coffee searched for “frogs” in the site search bar, and got nothing. Hmmmmmm pretty sure I just saw one on the front page… So I simplified it: “Frog.”  Whoo hoo! Frogs were to be had after all! So I was perusing what a weird ass word all the frogage when all of a sudden I scrolled down to find THIS amongst all the frogs:

WHAT IN THE BLUE BLOODY HELL IS THAT?! Is that a penis sock?! Closer investigation reveals that YES it IS a penis sock, of sorts. It’s swim wear. For those times when you feel too uncomfortable to wear a speedo. If I had a penis I would order one in every color. I would go to public pools and test all those pesky socially excepted standards I keep hearing about. The real question here is: what does this have to do with a Frog and do I REALLY want to know the answer to that question? HELL YEAH I DO.

So after being far too amused by a penis sock I don’t get out much apparently, I decided to look around. You know,  because when you find a penis sock in the frog section – you know you are in for a fierce game of “what the hell tops that.” So off to clothing and accessories I went looking for scarves, btw – only to be slapped in the face with THIS:

 By this point, I was getting pissed. I happen to own a vagina, SO HOW DID I MISS THE MEMO ON THIS. What the hell is a C-String?! This thing looks like a DIY project gone wrong. Look what you can do with grandma’s old shoe horn! Besides the fact that I’m horrified by this concept where exactly does that “tail” go?!  –  I want to know exactly what geographic region this product sells the best in. I just have to know.  I’m pretty sure I could accomplish the same effect with an old eye patch and I assure you, I’ll be trying that one out later.

So now I feel like I need to go brush up on my Kink. Cuzz, you know, when a penis sock and a shoe horn sneak up on you like that, you know you are behind in your game.

All because of the fucking french doors.

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