Tag Archives: penis

Who do I have to sleep with…. (NSFW).. and um, Clown. I think.

to get some damn Horseradish Cheese?! Seriously.

I am serious, who?

I have no idea what I’m going to write about, and yet I can already tell I am going to need to add a NSFW disclaimer. Although.. I am SURE if you have been paying any amount of attention – that probably should go without saying. Haha. But, just in case we have any newbies ..let me just slap that up there..alright annnnnd we are good.

It seems I’ve been coming to write here less and less. I should knock that off.  So MANY things have happen in the last 6 months. Terribly bad things, and some incredibly enjoyable (and then some). So I think we should play “Catriona Catch up”, which for the record, is waaaaay different than “Catriona Ketchup”. That’s just a friendly FYI if you didn’t already know.

Alright, on with the Recap of how fucked Catriona’s life is! Hahahah.  It’s not going to be very detailed, for the most part. I just feel we should all be on the same page here. lol.

So if you have been following me, and there are a lot of you that do (I see you), you know the month of February was life altering annnnnnnd I lost my face. And my head, and some other things I really need. My son’s other parent went into the ICU at the same time as one of my closest friends. Both were close to death.  (Oh and my sister committed the ultimate betrayal.)

Then the months kind of blend together. Hell lived in my house, and my heart.

My friend went from losing a leg, to having two heart attacks, and several other potentially life ending situations, to a nursing home. It continues to be a “Fresh Hell” rollercoaster every day for him (and those who love him).

In April, April? Yeah April, no. Maybe May? I have no idea. Anyway, one of those months brought my mother the gift of Cancer, again.  I was still on my face from February.   

I dropped some weight. Lost my boobs. If anyone locates them, please return to the address labeled.

Also in June -I traveled to see my mother. She is dying. We’ve become closer than ever. She’s a mess, but we are dealing with it.

What else, what else…oh yeah…

OH, I threw my son a Minion party. It was a blast.

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I wrapped water bottles in duct tape and made, sigh, twinkie (gack) minions. hahha. It was held outdoors. You know you did something right when every child goes home covered in mud from head to toe. lmao. My son love it.

hmmm what else happened in the last few months…

I learned the truth about bananas:

nana

I think that’s all I got.

I think you are all caught up.. WAIT NO. THIS HAPPENED TO ME:

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I, um. I love clowns I do. BUT WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!

FUCK. Now I have to go put up a Clown warning. .

Alright, I think we are done with the recap. HAHAHAH!

Also, I’m just going to leave this here: 

hahahha

Hope you all are well, LMAO.

Catriona

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Please excuse my penis

 

 

 

I was writing for hours the other day, and neglected to pay attention to the candle burning on my desk. It spewed all over itself and my desk.. producing what looks like a, well…I will let you decide.

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Now you’ve seen my penis. Feel special.

Catriona

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My penis can’t hear you

I think I’ve eaten way too many Jolly ranchers. Whoa.

So, does anyone else find it interesting that I received these spammy messages about Viagra  on a post entitled “BRING ON THE CHLAMYDIA!“….? Notice the comment is attached to a picture of a stuffed STD.

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Good game spammers, good game.

Speaking of which –  WHY do I ALWAYS get sexual spam meant for dudes? Why? I want sexual chick spam, gosh darn it! If you are going to spam me, appeal to vagina! My penis can’t hear you. Trust me.

Also, I just learned something I’d like to share with all of you. A few of you in particular. Read carefully because it’s important and rather apparent from some of the messages I get that you guys didn’t know this particular shred of info either.

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My grandmother asked me what I wanted for xmas as I was leaving her house yesterday. I was headed out the front door at the time and just sorta turned back to yell that I wanted an STD or two, and that I would send her the website for them when I got a chance. As I turned back to continue I almost ran over the postman who was apparently about to knock on the door. He had this look on his face like he was going to die right on the spot. I just smiled and shrugged my shoulders and kept walking. I heard my gram greet him and laugh “That’s my granddaughter. She’s special you know.”

I’m pretty sure that guy was thinking the exact same thing, grams.

Catriona

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HEY, Can’t you see I’m drooling here?!

Yeah, Hi. Good Morning.

I despise morning. Who ever invented mornings should be taken out back and shot. In the knee caps. Then, tied to an angry cow. Yeah, I said it. You know you were thinking it. Anrgry.Mother.Fuckin’.Cow.

Have you ever had one of those mornings where you sit in the other room listening to what you strongly HOPE is the coffee dripping into the cup, and not the floor, and wonder…..am I going to have to lick my coffee from the floor, agian… damn…… At home, I don’t have this issue because I use a coffee press not a mofoin’ one cup Keurig thingie. Evil Keurig. FUCK YOU KEURIG.

I’m getting old. I think I will pick up knitting. I think my first attempt at knitting will be a Penis Sock. Xmas is just around the corner and since a lot of people I love happen to own a penis – I need  to get going. The problem here is how does one go about deciding the size of the sock needed?……yeah, think about that one for a min.

Alright, I am off….heh….

 

Catriona

 

 

 

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