Tag Archives: opinion

You guys are WEIRD. (Warning: content was made in a facility that uses clowns)

You all will like a post about me molesting a (plastic) owl’s butt for the pleasure of my lips (gloss), but if I even mention CLOWNS –  only a few of you like it. Hahahhaha I know you guys saw it. I’m a stalker like that. HAHHAHHAHAHA. No seriously. But, it’s OK. I understand. lmao.

If you have used your eye holes, you will see I’ve attached a warning to my title. This is not only because it amuses me – but because a follower of mine expressed a true phobia of clowns. I ❤ my followers. (You may also want to stay away from my twitter for a few more days if you don’t do clowns well…..)

The Northampton clown has promised something big for the end of the week people! I can’t wait!

Ok Ok oOOOooooooK..so enough about clowns.

Oh damn, I hear work calling my name. . . .

Catriona

 

 

 

 

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I heart me some clowns. HARD.

Don’t judge me. Jerks.

I’ve always loved clowns. And masks for that matter; but that’s a whole separate subject (obsession?). When I was a child my room was filled with clowns of all types. From creepy to adorable, I had a room full of terror for those with a phobia – which I never understood (tho I really don’t understand phobias like should anyway, I suspect. I have none and don’t get it). I remember some of my friends screamed and ran from my room upon first visit. So worth it. hah. Ahhhhhhh Childhood.

Annnny way, if you follow my twitter of facebook you’d know I’m so completely enthralled by the UK clown. The Northampton clown has so many people’s nickers in a bunch that I almost can’t take it. Flippin’ hilarious. Oh and NOW there’s a “Clown catcher” dressed as a super hero. He goes out at night in hopes of catching the clown. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!! Some times the universe comes thru for me entertainment wise; I could just hug it for this tremendous gift. ahahahahaha.

Twitter is blowing up with reactions – both good and bad. I’ve been so busy watching the action I haven’t done a damn thing that could be considered productive. Look it up on twitter, I dare you: #Northhamptonclown. You will be amused. Or scared to death. One of those.

Sorry for the poorly written post -I’ve gotta get back to the clown watch. stat.

Catriona

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Ask Catriona II, uh wait – III?..hell if I know.

Here we go again. It’s time for some more questions. If you have no idea what I am talking about – you should read this, yo.

Q: Dear Catriona, my girlfriend is an asshole. What should I do?

ANSWER:

A. Kick her in the junk.

B. Seriously?! You don’t know what to do?! Kick her ass to the CURB.

C. Hey, everyone has an asshole.

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Q: What’s you fav color?

ANSWER:

Roy.  G.  Biv.

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Q: What are you wearing?

ANSWER:

A. Flip flops, pants, the entrails of a cow and a car door.

B. Lip Gloss and a cow head.

C. Striped shirt, black pants, and a cow tongue around my neck.

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Q: What is your fav food?

ANSWER:

Cheddar Chipmunks

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Q: You are so funny. How come you don’t write more often?

ANSWER:

A. You see, I’m a very busy woman. I’ve been hookin’ it a lot lately. Good for the pocket. Bad for the blog.

B. My dog only lets me use the internet at certain times.

C. I wake up in the morning with a whole pantload of crazy things to write about, everyday. However, life has a way of throwing assholes and potholes in your way. So, when I bulldoze through the assholes and potholes – that’s when I write.

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Q: Here is my Question. You are an asshole.

ANSWER:

A.Yeah, sure am. Wait, what? HAHAH!

B. AHHAHAHAAHHAHAH. Yup that is a question. I very good one, yes it is. The answer is TOOL. You are are one. Get back in your box.

C. How old are you? I think I need to speak to your parents. Not because you swore at me. And not because you obviously have some displaced anger issues, but because this is such a good question.

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Q: If you had a magic genie and one wish – what would it be?

ANSWER:

A. NEVER trust a genie. EVER.

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Q: What do you do for fun?

ANSWER:

A. Pester you people.

B. Ax murdering. It soothes the soul.

C. I’m a geek.

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Yeah, I think that’s enough for now.

Catriona

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Reader Appreciation Award

I was nominated for this award back in November of 2012 by a MightyTurk. I was over the moon and speechless to have received the award. At the time my life was overrun with Monkeys and Drama and AHHHHHHH! AHhahhaahha! I just now just sorta wondered back here so I want to accept and share!

 

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I suggest you guys head over to MightyTurk‘s blog. His posts are always engaging, I friggen love the photos he posts. I’m definitely  jealous of this guy’s travels, jerk. HAHAHAH. Thanks for the nomination MightyTurk! You rock my (penis) socks!

The rules of this nomination:

  1. Identify and show appreciation of the blogger who awarded you.
  2. You must add the award logo to your blog.
  3. Tell your readers 7 things about yourself.
  4. You must nominate 5-10 of your favorite bloggers for this award.
  5. Inform your nominees that you nominated them.

Seven things about myself, yikes. No one wants any of that! HAHHA. Fine:

1. I need to brush my hair, like, right now. Damn.

2. My issue with Coffee is way, way more complicated than any of you realize. We are in love, Coffee and I. We don’t care what you think.

3. I like the words “Bitchtits” & “Jackhole” entirely too much for it to be considered any kind of healthy.

4. I have questionable taste in Friends, apparently.

5. If I could do the horizontal polka with one appliance, it would be my French Press.

6. There may have been a change in my marital status in the last few months…

7. I’m craving jalapeno poppers.

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Nominate 5-10 Bloggers:

1. Keli Paan

2. Ajaytao

3. The Panama Adventure

4. Animalcouriers

5. MovieJoltz

6. MissyTwisted

7. Nicholiovich

8. beyondpaisley

9. Jess

10. Robert “Goat” Beveridge

 

Alright weirdos, I’m off to find some Jalapeno poppers. ❤

 

Catriona

 

 

 

 

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Ask Catriona

So, I keep disappearing. (It will happen from time to time. I have tons of projects I pull the strings for…)

And when I disappear, I get mail. A lot of mail.

Some hate mail, some love mail, but mail none the less (for the record, I really, really LOVE the hate mail). I get questions and comments,  and just plan raw ridiculousness that makes me squish with excitement.

I’ve decided! I’ve decided that I’m going to start posting the messages, and tweets and weird stuff that I get from all the various media outlets that I lend myself to, here. Well not all, that’s crazy talk. Some. The some that I like, or the some that I think should be out in the land of entertainment, the land of real. Unless you give me direct permission to use your first name, user name, or sex handle (whatever you are into, weirdo) I will post them anonymously.

I get so many questions. SO.MANY.QUESTIONS. I love questions, I do. But, it would be so much easier for my lazy ass if they were, for the most part, in the same place. So, I will be answering questions on posts like this one. They will be filed under “Ask Catriona” and you will be free to read all the stuff people say to me when they think no one is looking. LMAO You are all free to ask any question you feel the need to ask, here, as well. I reserve the right to tell you to go to hell and delete your post (very rarely will I do this, but I draw the line at child abuse and old people beating questions, or statements). I almost always answer every question. Just sometimes never in any type of speedy manner.

Oh, also. For the most part – you will get more than one answer to choose from. I believe in freedom, and you have the freedom to believe what you want to be believe. And I have the freedom to keep you guessing, mofo.

Let’s start with the last round of questions and comments I have received. No names will be used, as no one had a chance to give permission.

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Q: Catriona, what do you smell like?

ANSWER(s):

A. I smell like I imagine a fresh vagina would, while dancing in the rain.

B. I smell like a tonic made from fruit flies.

C. Walnuts.

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Q: Is Catriona your real name?

ANSWER(s):

Yes, one of my many. Bologna being my first.

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Q: Can I have your phone number?

ANSWER(s):

A. No, but the reason isn’t you, it’s me. I’m the biggest stalker EVER. Sometimes (read: MOST times) I cannot help myself and I get a little out of hand. The collection of protection orders against me is starting to pile up, and my lawyer says that I need to stop, like, now.  He also wont let me publish a compilation of the protection orders all the lovers of the world have lovingly bestowed upon me. He’s an asshole.

B. Fuck that shit, yo.

C. I would, but you need to talk to my pimp first.

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Q: Can I have you E-mail address?

ANSWER(s):

A. Of course you can! Duh, it’s Ilovethecrack@braahahahaha.com

B. NO, weirdo!

C. I might be reachable at Catrionaiscrazy@gmail.com.

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That’s not even the tip of the weirdoburg. I love the weirdoburg.

Alright, that is all for now.

Catriona

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Kiss my teapot

I got me a new teapot, yo. Why do you care? CUZZ YOU SHOULD. That is all.

Don’t have much here, people. I know, I know. I’m boring these days. I can’t help it. I’m getting old. hahah.

OH. There is something I was wanting to share with all of you:

This.

size does matter

Google. What a funny thing.

I’m not even sure what I was researching…….It was a while ago….hmmmm what was it?! I can’t think of it right now. But I can tell you that it wasn’t one of  THOSE. I love that it tries to predict what you want – using the most frequent requests it receives. “I don’t know what size condom to buy” is one of the most often “I don’t know what,” requests?!!!?!! REALLY? hahahahahha!! That’s hysterical.

Gosh, I guess that’s all I got.

Oh, I have some photos to dump on you even tho it’s not Dump Sunday.

Here you go. Hang on to your panties!

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And my personal favorite:

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Alright, Catriona out.

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