Tag Archives: love

Floating around in nothingness.

I’m having such a hard time with life. My marriage was a disaster in the end. It truly was. But, the first few years before she became ill were fantastic. I’m not even sure what I am doing any more.

 

I’m wounded.

Probably more than I’ve ever been in my life. As of February 8th, two years ago, I clutched the phone with my head and shoulder as I pulled the lifeless body of my wife from our bed to the floor for resuscitation.. A day I see every day, several times a day, when both awake and asleep, relentlessly. Treatment for the subsequent PTSD and anxiety disorders are a joke. Even my doctors have called it, collectively. She was the only person I ever truly loved aside from my son. My wife was without oxygen for a damaging amount of time, something they told me while I stood in the ICU for a week could take her away from us mentally, physically, or both.

When she eventually woke, she was no longer my wife. The person I brought back from death wasn’t MY wife at all. And even tho she lived, I swear I died in that room that day. Our situation both before and after that day broke me. I cried everyday where she couldn’t see because I couldn’t help her, because no one could help us, Because she was so messed up, because I was so messed up. I broke under the pressure. She beat on me emotionally and physically because of her issues, yet I would do it again, truly I would. I know she knew what she was doing half the time. And the other half I think her soul was being called somewhere else and she had no idea what she was doing. She told me the day I moved out that we would be married again some day, that we needed to heal apart, that she loved me, that it was killing her to see me go. Months later I could see both deep love and deep hate in her eyes. We got worse apart, not better. I truly believed one day I’d get MY wife back, some day, maybe years but, maybe one day. I would have walked thru hell (and in some ways I did) to heal her, to have kept her, MY HER. After years of failing to help her I was resentful because I was drowning/hurting/helpless and couldn’t see the light. I made mistakes at the end of our relationship. Not the ones I was accused of, but mistakes nonetheless. I will carry them with me everyday. A few weeks ago, short of the two year mark, she died.

She was no longer my wife, or mine in any way.

My son’s other parent is gone, and when I got home I had to tell him while holding my shredded heart in my hands, while trying to hold his together. Through all the hurt, though all the pain, if given the choice I’d walk through hell,  blind if need be,  to find her and drag her out. I’d do it every day if I could have back the woman I fell in love with so many years ago.

Don’t waste time, it’s running out. 

Due to my wife’s illness, and perception of the situation, coupled with a former “Friend” of mine crossing lines and contacting my wife out of anger for me, saying who knows what – I wasn’t even made aware when she died. My son did not get to say good bye, they would not allow him at the service, or speak to us at all. My Wife and I weren’t on bad terms. But, someone trying to hurt me ended up hurting my son more. My son lost his mom, and his Grandmother in the same week, and was left on the sidelines all because of vengeance.

You never know who people are. Even if you have known them for years. I cannot even believe the things that have transpired.

Hold your loved ones. Tell your friends how much they mean to you. Identify and walk away from the ones that truly aren’t your friends. Tell the people in your life you love them once a day.

life with my wife toward the end was a horror show. I used this site as an outlet for my anger always thinking that in the end I would be able to write about the good things that would happen in the future. It was always my hope that she would get it together, and be around for my son. I know it was a long shot. I know it was stupid. but, I always had a spark of hope.

That hope died when she did.

My son is shattered.

But, everyday we talk about one good memory we shared with her. Some times the only way out, is though.

OXOXOXO

Catriona

 

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I have no back burner

You know how you have subjects and thoughts that you just….throw on the back burner and touch on them ever so often? Well, I don’t have one. I have a thought hurricane. It’s a constant tornado of thoughts. (Not to be confused with a ‘Pornado’, that would be fun.) My brain just never stops.

In September I moved.

In October my Aunt started to get sick.

In November I  spent 3 weeks sitting beside my Gram’s best friend (Aunt) as she died of lung cancer. She was diagnosed, and within 3 weeks she was gone. Gram and I drove the 35 mins everyday to and from the Hospital to be with her.

 

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I did a lot of sitting on the ledge praying, looking down from the seventh floor.

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This was taken the day before she died. I was sitting next to her bed, I had been holding her up. She was so weak toward the end.

In December I met someone wonderful.

In January my heart was shredded by the loss of yet another family member from lung cancer, and the loss of my actual heart. Telling my son was just as painful as the three actual losses. I cannot express my life at the moment. 

I have not forgotten about cards, you guys. As you can see…uh, things are not settled. ha.

I just noticed the dirty sock on my desk. wtf?

Catriona

 

 

 

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Spots of Happiness

About three weeks ago I found myself standing in my Grandmother’s Bedroom while she told me not to waste my time packing in there, she didn’t want it. We went back and forth, she refused to take any of it. I finally agreed she was right, told her we wouldn’t take it. She walked from the room very upset. The moment she did I emptied every piece of jewelry, which is really the only hobby she has, into several bags. I then handed those bags to one of my closest friends and asked her to take them to her truck, discreetly. I then quickly found all of the personal things I knew she would miss; her mother’s address book, gifts from her father from her childhood, her mother’s personal items, things my late Grandfather had given her, her scarves she loved so much, notes from her children when they were young, letters she treasured, and packed them up without her noticing. We left the house that day with a fraction of what my Grandmother owned.

And then I waited.

Today, Grandma came to me very sadly and said, “I left all my memories in that house.” She named several things she had refused to take – things I had my friend help me sneak out of the house.

“Nope, I am the keeper of your memories.” and I walked from the room. I heard her laugh.

I returned with all items I had taken behind her back:

“I don’t listen very well.” (I don’t, never have) and I laid all of her stuff on her bed. I watched as she went through it all in shock.

“I have a little bit of everything back, Thank you.” She said after putting it all away in her room.

I swear I smiled for hours.

She’s not going to remember what I did for her, but she will have her things that remind her of happy times in her life.

When things get hard, look for the spots of happiness. 

OXOXOX

Catriona

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Nope

I’m at a loss. Life has been just ridiculous. Lol.

The last month has brought me some horrid pain.

Not only was this month my Anniversary, it would have been 2 years. It was my Exes Birthday, but it’s also the month I found out that a dear friend of mine has passed away.

I found out via a fucking Google search. The family never phoned me. I felt it. I ran away from it for a while. I finally Googled him to make myself face it.
So alone in my office, I read one of my closest friend’s Obituary. He had been gone over a month by the time I got to the obituary. I was never told, never given the chance to attend this Sevices. He left April 2nd. Hell month. Great. And the day my favorite Grandfather died. Great. Thanks for all that, Universe.

Seriously, WTF. WTF?

This same friend that lost his leg, and almost his life the same month I found my wife dead in our bed is now also gone.

I’m tired of being used. Someone always gets something out of being close to me. What have I gotten? Ha. I’m tired of working my ass off and getting no where. I’m tired of thinking positively, helping others, and getting walked on.

I’m tired.

Catriona

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Do you need dating advice? My 10 year old can help.

Apparently my 10 year old son knows more about dating than I do. 

We walked by a bridal store today. These stores NEVER catch my eye. Ever. But the dress in the window caused me to come to a complete stop. It was stunning. I muttered something about weddings. And the most bizarre conversation then proceeded to take place between my son and I:

Well if you want to get married, there are steps you know. You have to date. Then you fall in love. Then you have a baby. Then you get married. – Kid

*raised eye brow* Oh?

Yes. You need to date. – Kid

Um. No, I don’t.

Yes, you do. It would be good for you. – Kid

What? How would you know. 

I just do. – Kid

I don’t need to date, Kid. I am fine. 

No, you need to start dating. It will get your mind of (insert contents on my brain, here). – Kid

WHAT? That is not how it works child. You don’t date to get your mind off things and people. You do it to find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. It just so happens I am not down for that at this moment. 

Yeah, I know, but it will help, and you could find someone… That would make you happy, and wear that dress. *giggles* – Kid

Whoa kid. No, I am not wearing that dress, and I am not dating. 

Yes you are. – Kid

No, I’m not. I am not interested in dating, at all. The dress was beautiful, that’s all. 

Now, mind you, this entire conversation took place at one of our local shopping centers.

You should be. – Kid

What? Why?

Because you are beautiful, and you should date while you are still beautiful. – Kid

WHAT? *lols* are you saying time is running out on my beauty? *woman rounds the corner to come down the isle* Trust me lady, you don’t want ANY of this isle. 

*giggles* You should just try. – Kid

I have tried. 

WHAT DID YOU DO TO MESS IT UP? – Kid

Oh my starts kid, I didn’t mess it up (almost dying in laughter now). It just didn’t work. 

WHAT DID YOU DO? – Kid

I didn’t DOOOO anything. It just didn’t work out. 

You need to start dating again, mom. – Kid

WHAT DO YOU GET OUT OF IT, CHILD?

Nothing, I just think it will help you. – Kid

Help me what?

Well, I am getting older you know, what happens when I am not around? – Kid

YOU ARE TEN.

Yeah. You should date. – Kid

Oh my god, Kid. 

You can go on dinners and fall in love, and forget about Mom.  – Kid

That’s not how it works. 

Just do it. *pointing to Nike shoes* – Kid

Kid, you are killing me. I am going to sell you on the Black Market. 

No you’re not. – Kid

Yes I am. Stop touching stuff. You are getting your boy hands all over the girly stuff. 

Don’t change the subject. – Kid

I am selling you *Yells out in the middle of the store* CHILD FOR SALE!

*Falling over giggling* – Kid

I donno why you are laughing. I am selling you RIGHT NOW. 

Nope. You are going to start dating RIGHT NOW. – Kid

Yeah. Right after I sell you. 

Fine. You know you attract a lot of attention. It would be easy for you. – Kid

CHILD, CHILD FOR SALE! *all four ladies in line are laughing, the cashier is shaking her head. Though I am not sure which one of us should was more unimpressed with.* What the hell, kid. I will date when I am ready. 

Now? – Kid

NO.

How about now? – Kid

I am going to leave you here.

I know how to get home. – Kid

I am running away. 

With a date? – Kid

OH MY STARS CHILD. 

It went on like this for about an hour. Apparently I need to start dating. He doesn’t care who. He doesn’t even care what I do, I just need to date, someone, anyone. LMAO.

I couldn’t sell him btw. No one would take him. Maybe they figured he gave faulty advice. 

I have got to go to bed. Maybe I will find a date there.

OXOXOOX

Catriona

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STOP HUMPING MY FRIGGEN LEG.

So, while in the Post Office, standing in line with about 15 people in front on me, I feel and hear a whisper in my ear “you need to move forward”.  Now this guy was so close to me, he was just about touching my neck. I moved forward, said something about him not having to be so close to me, and continued filling out my label. Not even 30 second later he was right up against me again. Soooo, again, I moved a bit forward trying not to crowd the woman in front of me. Annnnnd again he moved so close to me  that he could have been humping my leg if he twitched even in the slightest way. So, I am sure we all know what I did next.  I causes a ruckus. I’m damn good at causing a scene.

I yelled something about him “humping my Fucking leg” and “I’ve moved three times because of it, you do NOT need to be that close to me!”

Small USPS store means the whole office, patrons, and all the tellers heard.  The guy put both of his hands on the counter as if he was used to being made to account for his hands, and said not a word more.

I went to the next teller, and as always asked how his grandbabies were while everyone stared are the freak behind me. Snarl.

UGH.

 

Anyway. I have a photo dump for you all. These are from the last few days.

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One of the loves in my life.

Walking around the last few days to clear my head.

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Also, while in the store I found some Spotted Dick – I’m VERY familiar with that. But, what the hell is Treacle (in a can)? And, is it just me, or does it look wayyyyy worse next to the Spotted Dick?

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On my way home yesterday this was on the sidewalk of a construction site:

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Hope you are all well.

XOXOXO

Catriona

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Name That Crotch!

I want to personally thank each and every one of you that has reached out to me these last weeks. Even you creepers. Thank you. It means more than you know. I will answer each of your messages and comments. I will, when I can.

And to show my love right back, I have something for you.

 

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Lets play

Name That Crotch!

 

Catriona

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My Storm

I don’t have much to say these days.

But, I do have photos.

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“La tristesse durera toujours.” – Van Gogh

 

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We’ve got a bleeder!

I’m not a hugger. Like, at all.

Well. Wait that isn’t true. If you happen to be in the very small circle that is my close friends: I am a hugger.

But we aren’t talking about that. 

We are talking about all of you creepers and stalkers, people that I just can’t get enough of, interwebbly.

I seriously would hug you all.

Well, except that one dude. You know who you are guy, and DAMN.

You guys rock my socks. Thank you – to all of you for your kind comments and E-mails. I never expected to get such a response. Never. My phone has been blowing up with E-mail alerts. I think my E-mail will be needing to take a personal day due to all the action it’s getting. .

To answer your questions:  Even if I’m not alright at the moment – I will be. I always catch myself on the way down. Always.

You guys rock my socks. Hugs to all of you, weirdos.

❤ Catriona

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