Tag Archives: Broken

Floating around in nothingness.

I’m having such a hard time with life. My marriage was a disaster in the end. It truly was. But, the first few years before she became ill were fantastic. I’m not even sure what I am doing any more.

 

I’m wounded.

Probably more than I’ve ever been in my life. As of February 8th, two years ago, I clutched the phone with my head and shoulder as I pulled the lifeless body of my wife from our bed to the floor for resuscitation.. A day I see every day, several times a day, when both awake and asleep, relentlessly. Treatment for the subsequent PTSD and anxiety disorders are a joke. Even my doctors have called it, collectively. She was the only person I ever truly loved aside from my son. My wife was without oxygen for a damaging amount of time, something they told me while I stood in the ICU for a week could take her away from us mentally, physically, or both.

When she eventually woke, she was no longer my wife. The person I brought back from death wasn’t MY wife at all. And even tho she lived, I swear I died in that room that day. Our situation both before and after that day broke me. I cried everyday where she couldn’t see because I couldn’t help her, because no one could help us, Because she was so messed up, because I was so messed up. I broke under the pressure. She beat on me emotionally and physically because of her issues, yet I would do it again, truly I would. I know she knew what she was doing half the time. And the other half I think her soul was being called somewhere else and she had no idea what she was doing. She told me the day I moved out that we would be married again some day, that we needed to heal apart, that she loved me, that it was killing her to see me go. Months later I could see both deep love and deep hate in her eyes. We got worse apart, not better. I truly believed one day I’d get MY wife back, some day, maybe years but, maybe one day. I would have walked thru hell (and in some ways I did) to heal her, to have kept her, MY HER. After years of failing to help her I was resentful because I was drowning/hurting/helpless and couldn’t see the light. I made mistakes at the end of our relationship. Not the ones I was accused of, but mistakes nonetheless. I will carry them with me everyday. A few weeks ago, short of the two year mark, she died.

She was no longer my wife, or mine in any way.

My son’s other parent is gone, and when I got home I had to tell him while holding my shredded heart in my hands, while trying to hold his together. Through all the hurt, though all the pain, if given the choice I’d walk through hell,  blind if need be,  to find her and drag her out. I’d do it every day if I could have back the woman I fell in love with so many years ago.

Don’t waste time, it’s running out. 

Due to my wife’s illness, and perception of the situation, coupled with a former “Friend” of mine crossing lines and contacting my wife out of anger for me, saying who knows what – I wasn’t even made aware when she died. My son did not get to say good bye, they would not allow him at the service, or speak to us at all. My Wife and I weren’t on bad terms. But, someone trying to hurt me ended up hurting my son more. My son lost his mom, and his Grandmother in the same week, and was left on the sidelines all because of vengeance.

You never know who people are. Even if you have known them for years. I cannot even believe the things that have transpired.

Hold your loved ones. Tell your friends how much they mean to you. Identify and walk away from the ones that truly aren’t your friends. Tell the people in your life you love them once a day.

life with my wife toward the end was a horror show. I used this site as an outlet for my anger always thinking that in the end I would be able to write about the good things that would happen in the future. It was always my hope that she would get it together, and be around for my son. I know it was a long shot. I know it was stupid. but, I always had a spark of hope.

That hope died when she did.

My son is shattered.

But, everyday we talk about one good memory we shared with her. Some times the only way out, is though.

OXOXOXO

Catriona

 

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Understanding (underestimating?) PTSD

Feb will be two years that PTSD and I have been together.

And you know what? There are still days and months that are just like the first week of Hell that ensued after that day. I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD “Comparable to soldiers coming home from Iraq”. That’s an actual sentence from my Medical record. Do you know how horrible just that sentence is? I didn’t fight in a war. Though, I now have one in my head. Almost two years, and EVERY DAY I still have issues. Every day. Every day, that one single day plays in my head, over and over, or it echos in my ears, or both. Everyday I fight my own head just to breath. Everyday I wake up, take a deep breath, and try to make it better than the last. You know what happens? I fail more than half the time, haha…And telling me I need to “be more positive” only shows that you’ve got no clue what PTSD is. Lmao.

PTSD is having the BEST convo with my son, after having had the best day together, then all of a sudden I’m crossing through a 4 Lane crosswalk, holding my son’s hand, when my PTSD decides for NO REASON at all, to take over both my vision and hearing.

Yeah.

It’s being curled up in the lap of a friend, for over an hour,  as he tries to hold you so close that you KNOW it’s hurting HIM, as you cry because you’re Ex wife text you something stupid, after an already trigger filled day.

Yeah.

You know what I’ve learned in the last year and half?
A.) Most people sincerely THINK they know what PTSD is.
B.) Most people are wrong.
C.) I’m not crazy. Sorta. Ha.
Annnnnnd worst of all D.) Most people, even if they care, don’t do much research. Why? See A.

This article is one of the best I’ve read, and I’ve read many. So, imma leave it right HERE.

Now excuse me while I go try pretend to sleep. Lmao.

Catriona

XOXOXO

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Thankful Wrecking Ball

I have so many things I have to be thankful for – That’s what I woke up thinking this morning.

I was lucky enough to find a place, albeit very small, that we can use while I gather the money to get a three bedroom, now that I am also responsible for my Grandmother, not just my son. I am thankful my son is so intelligent, I am thankful he has grown into someone who can see for himself, and form his own opinion. I am thankful for my dog, who has become my son’s best friend, and blanket thief. I am thankful that my Grandmother’s Stroke happen when several of us were there. I am thankful my son was smart enough to call 911 even when his “Grandfather” was yelling at him not to. I am thankful for the job I have, though it makes me want to punch people. I am thankful for those of whom have shown there true colors, and stood by my side. I am thankful for my Ex Wife (hold on to your pants here, lol) for opening my eyes to a variety of things, good and bad. I am thankful for the friends I have made through this blog. You guys, a whole lot of you have shown me so much kindness. You friendship has seriously helped me when I was, and am, at my lowest.

Then, this afternoon came swinging in like a hammer. I can’t go into much because of my Grandmother’s husband, and the divorce, but you guys already know that she had a stroke. You know that I was in a bad place financially beforehand. Well after the stroke Gram told me some alarming things, and I SAW some alarming things. Things that no person should go through, and she decided she needed to leave her husband. I had a week to liquidate my belongings so that I could take my Gram far away, at her request. I ended up selling, and giving away all of my furniture, and what’s left of my jewelry to be able to move her a great distance to safety.  I accomplished that. I have nothing left to my name, and I am ok with that. This afternoon I took my Gram to the Neurologist. I watched in horror as they performed the same tests on her they did my wife, and I watched in horror as I realized the diagnoses they are driving at. They didn’t tell her yet. There are more tests to do, and then they will tell her. The Neurologist sort of alluded to it, but my Gram didn’t catch it. I am beside myself.

This woman just got away from an abusive husband only to have THIS happen.

All those days/ weeks/ years in Neurology centers, Hospitals, and research with my Wife made it possible for to see exactly what I am looking at. And, it’s horrifying. I have been crying for hours.

It makes my living situation even more dire. I needed first, last, and security before for just my son and I. Now, I need it for my son, myself, and my Grandmother. First, last, and security is insane for a three bedroom. I was taking on a second job, but that may not be an option after the results of Grams appointment today.

I said I would always take care of her, no matter what. AND I WILL. Somehow.

Also my flippin’ dog, that was supposed to be fixed WENT INTO HEAT. COME ON. SERIOUSLY?

LMAO.

I hope you all are well. Now that I have internet access, I will be back more often.

Hugs to all of you, even that one weird guy.

Catriona

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To answer your questions

My other half did survive. I’m not sure I did.

It’s a struggle every day. There was permanent damage, still recovering. May never recover.

I am a single parent again, taking care of 3 people on one income. My poor son was diagnosed with PTSD last week, too. The whole house is damaged.

The universe and I are fighting.

My son, for the first time in his life has asked for a big Birthday party with his whole class and just one gift. It just so happens that the gift is very expensive. This is a kid that never asks for anything, so I am struggling to make these things happen. Sigh, I’m failing at the moment, and on a time crunch. Friggen’ Time, I wish I could stop it. I may actually take up standing on the corner, lol.  I was asking for an STD a while back so this is fitting, don’t you think?  haha.

I know I haven’t responded to anyone, I will, I’m just a wreck. I will tho, when I find my head, or an STD.

Catriona

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