Tag Archives: blogging

You better watch it, or she’ll deck you.

(For the record, I haven’t actually decked anyone in a long time. I think.)

 

Do you remember the Humpy-the-Post-office-Guy? (if not, click here)  Wellllll……I went into the post office the other day. (HAHHAH.) It’s too bad there was only a few people in there. So I get up to the counter, and the Teller points at me and says something to the other tellers that I didn’t catch.  (I by the way, had forgotten about Humpy, momentarily) All the tellers get this HUGE smile on their faces and BURST into laughter. One of them yells “You better not stand too close, or she’ll deck you.” This went right over my head:

Me -Huh?

TellerYou don’t remember that?

MeThreatening to deck someone? No. 

Teller That guy the other day. 

MeOH. That guy. Yeah. He was humping my leg. 

 

By this time one of the Tellers disappeared and reappeared with the Post Master who was laughing so hard I thought he was going to split.his.pants. 

 

PMYou know you were the talk of the whole office. 

MeOh?

PM -Yeah! But, really that guy is hard of hearing.

Me –Um, ok, but he was standing so close to me I could feel his gender. 

PM & TellersOHHHHHHHH we didn’t know that. 

Me –Uh, yeah, and I had moved away several times, even offered for him to cut me in line, yet he continued. 

PMOH we had no idea. 

Me –  Yeah, and I am pretty sure him leaning in to whisper in my ear, so close that he is touching me, has nothing to do with his deafness. 

PM & Tellers – OH! (weird silence)

Me – Yeah. Anyway, I’ll see you guys soon, and we will see who else I can yell at!

The entire post office erupts in laughter. 

 

BTW – a woman in line butted in to say how she would have kicked his ass. UM, NO. We don’t beat on the elderly. We reprimand them. Stupid chick.

Hell, when I’m that old, I will be copping a feel. I just hope I will still have the ability to acknowledge a hint at that age.

 

Photo dump time!

Theses are from the other day. I went for a really long walk.

IMAG1232

IMAG1251

IMAG1238

 

 

IMAG1236

 

 

 

 

IMAG1240

 

IMAG1241

 

 

 

Have I mentioned I like abandoned buildings ?

 

IMAG1217

 

IMAG1248

 

IMAG1252

 

 

Catriona

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

STOP HUMPING MY FRIGGEN LEG.

So, while in the Post Office, standing in line with about 15 people in front on me, I feel and hear a whisper in my ear “you need to move forward”.  Now this guy was so close to me, he was just about touching my neck. I moved forward, said something about him not having to be so close to me, and continued filling out my label. Not even 30 second later he was right up against me again. Soooo, again, I moved a bit forward trying not to crowd the woman in front of me. Annnnnd again he moved so close to me  that he could have been humping my leg if he twitched even in the slightest way. So, I am sure we all know what I did next.  I causes a ruckus. I’m damn good at causing a scene.

I yelled something about him “humping my Fucking leg” and “I’ve moved three times because of it, you do NOT need to be that close to me!”

Small USPS store means the whole office, patrons, and all the tellers heard.  The guy put both of his hands on the counter as if he was used to being made to account for his hands, and said not a word more.

I went to the next teller, and as always asked how his grandbabies were while everyone stared are the freak behind me. Snarl.

UGH.

 

Anyway. I have a photo dump for you all. These are from the last few days.

IMAG1065_1

One of the loves in my life.

Walking around the last few days to clear my head.

IMAG1150

IMAG1144

IMAG1141

IMAG1139

IMAG1138

IMAG1135

IMAG1130

IMAG1109

IMAG1107

IMAG1104

IMAG1120

IMAG1115

IMAG1119

IMAG1093

Also, while in the store I found some Spotted Dick – I’m VERY familiar with that. But, what the hell is Treacle (in a can)? And, is it just me, or does it look wayyyyy worse next to the Spotted Dick?

IMAG1126

On my way home yesterday this was on the sidewalk of a construction site:

IMAG1151

Hope you are all well.

XOXOXO

Catriona

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I’m just gonna leave this here. .

and then maybe explain later. Maybe.

 

 

whoa

 

 

 

 

Catriona

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

I NEED A PROSTATE! *Edit

omg, OMG, O.M.G You will never guess what I stumbled upon, OMG!!!!!!

I was looking for a Pick Punch, and do you know what I found? DO YOU?! I.JUST.CANNOT.EXPLAIN.HOW.EXCITED.I.AM.

I FOUND REPRODUCTIVE ORGANS!

reproI NEED A PROSTATE! NNNEEEEeeeeeeeeEEEEEEDDDDDDDDD!

and a testicle, and an ovary, and a Mammary gland! I NEED TO HAVE THEM ALL!

I’m almost, almost as excited as when I discovered STDs! ALMOST.

HOW DID I NOT KNOW ABOUT THESES! WHAT THE HELL!? I NEED A TESTICLE! I need a testicle to go with alllll the STDs I will one day have!

NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD.

GIVE ME A PROSTATE!

BAHAHAHAHAHAHH!

I’m off to buy a prostate.

Catriona

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Super Balls aren’t for me.

I’ve been watching Doctor Who for hours. Superbowl, bla!

I’ve avoided FB and Twitter all night –  for fear of being Super Balled. Doesn’t sound very pleasant, does it?

While avoiding taking a Ball to the eye, I’ve been tooling around on WordPress. You know what I’ve found? THIS:

crazymail orderkreizi bits

Those are the search engine terms from the last few days, for my blog. Bahahahah!

“Are Craiglist Whores Crazy?” hahahah! People actually search for that? REALLY? Gosh, I love people. So, amusing.

“Penis Spam Eat” – Wait, what?!

Man, I need to start blogging about puppies, and cotton candy, or something. LMAO Yeahhhhhhh, we know that’s not going to happen.

Gosh, I’m tired. Ugh.

Good Night my friends, I hope you haven’t gotten Super Balled, too hard.

Catriona

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Coulrophobia and Honey Holes (Caution: Clowns ahead)

Can you say the word “Coulrophobia”?

Cuzz I can’t. Nope.

I can read it, I can spell it, I even know what it means! Buttttt I cannot verbalize it with out sounding like I just woke up, still drunk from a hot-mess-of-a-week-long-binge.

If you are unfamiliar with the the word; it’s an extreme fear of Clowns. I can’t tell you the statistics on Coulrophobia (I can tell you that Auto correct doesn’t like the word at all. Maybe it suffers from Coulrophobia?… ), but I can tell you more often than not – people react negativity when faced with even the image of a clown. I should know, my childhood bedroom was completely covered, right down to the bedspread, in clowns. (That bedspread had ruffles, like, A LOT of ruffles, btw. I friggen hated ruffles,  but somehow is was totally ok because it was clown themed.) Reactions are fascinating, especially to clowns. More people went running in terror from my childhood bedroom then they do now. hahaha. . and that’s saying something.. Bahahahahah…

Is it just me, or are more people getting rid of more clown stuff, at a faster rate, than they ever used to? I looooove thrift shops, and I have to say I have seen more second hand clown items pop up in shops within the last year, then EVER before. I look for clown stuff…so, yeah, I’d know. Hhahahaha It’s too bad I don’t decorate with clown items as much as I used to. haha.

Side note* –  have you ever been writing at your desk, just mindlessly jamming out to a random song, when alllllll of a sudden you realize the lyrics of said song are a grown man purring about “licking a loli pop” annnnnnnnd you come to a FULL stop? No? Well, that just happen to me. haa. I hate when lyrics kill a perfectly good beat.

Clowns are all over these days.  The Northampton Clown has a book out (wow), and there’s some gun wielding clown now (I’m not surprised, are you?), and that’s not even the half of it. I confess.. I just can’t get enough. I recently stumbled upon darkclowns.blogspot.com, crazy interesting. All sorts of tid bits that will make you wanna pee your pants (if you suffer from Coulrophobia that is). Ha…..

Oh my stars! I have to interrupt this crazy Clown rambling to tell you that I have been on the phone with my boss for almost 20 mins, and within those 20 mins she has used the phrase “Honey Hole” AT LEASE 7 times, YES I was counting, and OH MY STARS IT HAS TAKEN ALL I HAVE NOT TO BURST INTO LAUGHTER. BAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH! She just said it again! BAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAH! Does she not hear herself?! OMG someone please, PLEASE send this woman a link to Urban Dictionary, STAT! I am trying so, SO hard to keep a straight face and serious tone. BAHAHAHAHAHAH! She Just said it again. IS SHE MESSING WITH ME?! She has got to be messing with me. AHAHAHAHAHA! Holy CRAP BATMAN! She actually just uttered the sentence: “Well, we are all after the Honey Hole” OMG SERIOUSLY?! Is she drunk? She’s got to be drunk! FUCK, AM I DRUNK?! I cannot take it. She is as serious as she could be, just working that into the convo. I have a whole new respect for this chick. “It’s my job to help you find your Honey Hole.” OH, OH wow. No joke, that was just said to me. I have spent this whole convo with my hand clamped firmly over my mouth trying, desperately, not to laugh in her eye. Oh man, I’m so glad that’s over. ahaha wow. Just, wow.

I want to take this time to thank my bladder. Thank you bladder, for being stronger than I give you credit for. I surely would have peed myself, had you been as weak as I tell people you are. For realz. Peed. Myself. In. Laughter. So, thank you blatter for being there for me. I’ll try to treat you better going forward.

I am completely in awe of that convo, and am unable to continue to ramble about Clowns. HAHHA. I cannot even go back and proof read. You will have to just. Deal.

BAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!

Honey Hole!

Catriona

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Kiss me WHERE?!

Well hello, peoples!  How are you? How have you been? Good? Bad? Join any cults while I was gone? (No, I’m not down to join. Just, No.) Anything exciting happen while I’ve been away?! Do tell!

What have I been doing, you ask? Nothing really. Just painting my nails. What? I could be a compulsive nail painter, you don’t know. Or, I could be that chick who drinks nail polish (seriously, have you seen that? WHOA). Hahha! Maybe that’s how I’ll call out of work tomorrow; “Sorry, I drank a bad bottle of nail polish, I’m not feeling very well….” I mean, I do call out “Dead” sometimes, soooo….Hmmm.

Have you ever actually read the names of your favorite nail polishes? Seriously, you should. Go do it right now. I just went and found mine a second ago as I was giving you all a hard time about judging me for being a compulsive nail painter, annnnnnnnd it’s hilarious. Wait till you see the names and colors:

 

 

This is “Kiss me here”…

Kiss me here 2

 

Now, wait a min, kiss me WHERE? WHAT!? That there is GREY. Where, WHERE are you going to kiss me that is gonna be GREY?!  WTF? Hahahahaha! Unless, of course I’m deceased, or diseased. In that case YOU have some serious flippin’ issues for wanting to kiss me ANYWHERE. SICKO! WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU!? UGH. Some people.

This is “Spit Fire”.

Spit fire 2

Makes much more sense than that first one. I have nothing witty to say. Sorry.

Hhahaha.

That’s what my nail polish says about me: Kiss me here, Spit Fire.

 

Kiss me hereSpit fire

 

 

 

What’s yours say? Hahhaahah Seriously, I wanna know.

 

Catriona

 

* I would like you all to know that when I typed in “Grey” into the Tags box, “Teal and grey Molesters” populated automatically…um…hmmm… While I am sure this means something to someone…..It’s still a very creepy mental image to have without warning. .

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Free Porn is having a hard time loading my page.

Um. What the hell did I just write?

 

free pornFree Porn is having a hard time loading my page.

I’m sorry Free Porn. I’m not sure why you, of all people, are having an issue loading my page. I hope you really did check back later. I also hope you aren’t having any more loading issues.

We’re still pals tho, right?

.

.

HELLO PEOPLE! How are all you loopy fuckers?!

It’s been crazy at my house. Been workin’ an junk. That and, you know, screwing off. Hhahah. Nothing really exciting, just working a lot and screwing off. Shit. I think I just said that… Maybe no one will notice? Ahahaha! I’m suffering a bit from sleep deprivation. It’s alright tho cuzz sleep deprivation can be hilarious. Completely amusing at times. Well, maybe it’s only amusing because I’m sleep deprived? Sleep deprivation can be useful.  Shit. How many times have I said ‘sleep deprivation’……?….I’m sure no one will notice. There is one thing for sure – there isn’t anything more funny at 2:30 in the morning.. than Pussycorns. Ohhh yeah, you read that correctly. Be glad I don’t have your phone numbers people, because when I get crazy tired – I do things like harass my friends with horrid FB stickers. .

The blue is me…..

Onetwo

threefour

Yeah, people. Be glad your aren’t on my contact list. That was the night I realized FB had horrible stickers. This is only part of the convo…I think I went on and on….hahaha. I was so tried and so amused with my friend’s responses that I think I might have pulled something laughing.

Seriously. Pulled. Something. Laughing.

Friggen Pussycorns.

Gosh, I have such ridiculous crap in my phone. I just went looking for something and ..instead found…

 THIS.

WHAT. THE. HELL?

and REALLY – I have no idea why this is in my phone…..Sleep deprivations, I tell ya…..

who

Horrifying.

.

.

Now, this one I do remember.

You’re welcome.

batman

Hahahahah! Did you miss me? LMAO. You know you did.

I need to go lay down, and try to refrain from spamming my friends with terrifying FB stickers. .

Catriona

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Stuff my stocking…

I’ve been thinking extensively about the coming holidays (boobs).

I just love the holidays (boobs).

When I think about the holidays – I think of family, good food, beautiful atmosphere, hand crafted gifts, and crazy relatives being complete and just utter jackholes (boobs).

I’m so far behind in the whole Xmas shopping/making things, thing. That’s almost unheard of for me. I need to get on that shit, like, stat.

You know, I’ve received some pretty epic holiday gifts over the years. Some …wayyyyy more ridiculous than others. For example – several years ago Santa left this, and only this, in my stocking….

Do you know what this is?

Hint: it’s not a scoop of ice cream.

IMG_20131108_135815 (1)

.

.

.

Still not sure?

.

.

.

IMG_20131108_135556

Yeah. That’s right. Santa gave me boobs for Christmas. A brand new pair of boobs.

He’s so flippin’ thoughtful.

He really does know everything about me!

I mean, I know I have the chest of an 11 year old boy, I’m good with that. But I was unaware that Santa had boobdar in his arsenal of special skills.

I keep them in my dresser next to that ugly sweater you gave me. I’ve never actually used my boobs for anything other than Halloween, but I love the fact that I have boobs, in my drawers.

What kinds of weird items has Santa given you guys? I think I need to know.

Catriona

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Raise your hand if….

..you’ve been up since 5:30am.

Yeah, you see my hand? Yeah, that would be me. I’ve been up since then, yup.

I was woken up to a panicked child squished up against my bed, looking up at me, “Mom, Mom. I know it’s 5:30am, but the light in my room won’t work.”

Coffee fiend –  “Is it just your room, or the whole house hunny?”

Son “It’s just my room. The rest of the house is fine. You know I don’t care about the rest of the house.” (he was also still half asleep)

Coffee fiend “Ok, I’ll get the light bulbs.”

Son“HERE.”  *shoves light bulbs at me*

Coffee fiend“Hunny?”

Son“Yes mom?”

Coffee fiend“Please wait till after I’ve put on my glasses to start shoving things at me, ok?”

Son“I’m sorry mom. I just hate it when the light in there is out. It should knock that off.”

Coffee fiend “I know hunny. I’ll give it a good talkin’ to, don’t you worry.”

Son – *giggles*

Now, before you all start screamin “send him back to bed, it’s 5:30am, it’s not a big deal..bla bla!..” – ohhh but it is. There are a few things my son just cannot handle, and the light not working in his room is definitely one of them. There’s no way my child would go back to sleep knowing the light doesn’t work. No. Way. It has nothing to do with the darkness. He’s not scared of the dark. He doesn’t even really use the light in there often. It just has to be in functioning order when he wants it. Why? Because he got his momma’s quirkiness, lol.

Soooo yeah, by 6am I had already challenged how many coffee-fiending-monsters it takes to change a light bulb, and made Cinnamon buns.

.

.

Hope you are all full of coffee this morning. I know I am. whooooo….

My mug. Not yours. Mine.

Catriona

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,
%d bloggers like this: