Grief is a weird thing. It looks different on everyone.
Recently, I lost a friend from work. She was an amazing human. Always had an answer and a smile. She was always helpful. Even when the pandemic made it hard to be.
I took it pretty hard. My better half must have known. Came home with a pretty blue bag filled with “The stages of grief”. It was literally a bag of pastries. Each one names after a stage. I laughed so hard.
I ate “Anger” for dinner that night, funny enough.
“Depression” was amazing. But, “Bargaining” , “Bargaining” couldn’t have been any better.
I guess what I am trying to say is get yourself a partner that will bring you a little blue bag of feelings when you’re sad. Hahahah.
Imagine my confusion when I wake up to my Better Half describing a PUNCTURE WOUND surrounded by scratches in my kid’s arm. Better Half goes on to tell me that the night before the kid was at a friend’s and slipped. The arm is patched up, but looks deep. Goes on to tell me it was caused by a fall against metal cactus at the pool. Yeah, you read that correctly. I made better Half Half tell me twice because I thought for sure I’d smoked crack by mistake and was hearing word soup. Nope. Metal cactus by the pool.
All I could think of was allllllll the tetanus. All. Of. It.
I had so many questions.
I’m sorry, what? A real cactus would fuck up your day, but a metal one? That sounds like a great addition to a slippery area!! Fuck yeah, let’s put that bitch by the pool!! What? I. Ugh. How is that even pool themed?! What the actual hell. Who the actual fuck did that??
Needless to say I spent Mother’s day in Urgent care. Stitches and a tetanus shot WOOOOO!
Holy shit. It’s Friday. I’m wrapped in a burrito blanket (like for real, a burrito blanket. I have two and refuse to sleep without at least one) drinking wine. This week has been fucking brutal. Half my team….. Sigh….nevermind; You’d would have no idea what I was talking about as I haven’t filled you all in on my life.
I’ve been getting a lot of questions about my life and my son since I’ve been gone, since the pandemic. So let’s start here: I work in one of the largest hospitals in the area. The pandemic and I reported for duty the same month. Lmao. I took the job as a side job to the job I already had and to test my brain. If you have been with me over the last 10 years, hospitals used to set off my PTSD. I figured I’d either crumple like a Kmart lawn chair, or stomp my ass forward.
I did both. Crumpled during training. Oh. It was bad. I fell on my face. My body and mind rebelled. I took a week off. I yelled at myself and went back. Then I was good. I was good. Yeah, I was good till I had to report to a trauma room in the ED (ER). Did you know they use the same wooden cabinets in most trauma ED rooms? Yeah, I didn’t either. I looked over at those cabinets and I swear to the stars they looked back. Like they were saying “hey bitch, remember me?”. Oh. I remembered them. I did. I remembered. Good thing Adrenaline kicked in to save me from PTSD so I could focus on the patient in front of me. You know, Trauma room. Ha. And that’s how I powered through every day. PTSD creeping up until Adrenaline focused my attention…. Until I started reporting to ICU. ICU. Sigh. Just arriving on the unit caused PTSD to stand up and get ready to fuck shit up. The first several patients I took care of had her face. They really did. They had her face until one of them coded on me. Then I could see the patient’s face clearly. Turns out, I still perform well under pressure. (Pretty sure this is the only thing I’m good at. Have I every told you guys the story of how my new born tried to die on me while I was bleaching my sister’s hair and I managed to keep him alive and pull the chemicals out of her hair so it didn’t literally burn her hair and scalp off? Lol). A week later a guy coded in my arms. I remember his face clearly.
They stopped having her face after that.
And then, then Covid-19 descended upon us and I couldnt look away. I was in constant high alert. PTSD didn’t even have a chance, Adrenaline took over as soon as I stepped foot into the building. I headed the Covid-19 team for my department and that’s all I did. All day.
About a month into the Pandemic I took advantage and weened myself off the PTSD meds, all of them. While PTSD was pinned to a wall by Adrenaline I figured then was my only chance. It was risky, I had no idea what I was doing but I had this urge that felt like my chest would explode if I didn’t try. . Looking back, ohhhhhh mannnnnn that could have gone sideways in so many ways. Haha. I’m so glad I did it. I’ve been med free since then after more years than I can count.
I ran straight into the center of Covid, I did overtime on top of overtime. At one point, I was the only one left standing when covid took out every single person on my team. I kept on trucking. I volunteered everyday to work with covid patients. I swear I lived at that hospital. Within three months I made permanent (unheard of at the time for my department) within 6 months I was training our new hires to help our Trainer. Shortly after, I became the Trainer for my entire department. Now, I’m a Lead, the Trainer, and the Safety Coach for my department.
I guess what I’m getting at is I’ve worked through COVID-19 since the beginning. I’ve seen some shit. I’ve seen shit go sideways and then do the Morbid Macarena. And this week, this week has been the worst. I’ve never seen so many positive Covid-19 patients. It’s a sea of Red Precautions in our ED (Red airborne signs in the ED). Basically I’ve lived in my Capr; Shit show for sure. Half my team is down due to COVID-19, again. This week has been fucking brutal. So, back to being wrapped up in a burrito drinking wine.
WARNING: Covid-19 Karen behavior will absolutely not be tolerated. I swear to the stars if I get any comments: “Covid-19 isn’t real, it’s a scam, blah blah” or whatever uneducated keyboard warrior bullshit people are spewing I will delete you so fast it will make your head spin to Mars. Then, I won’t think about you again until im calling a code on your infected ass.
Stay safe guys. Wash your hands. Don’t lick any toilet bowls. You know, behave.
If you have ever wondered what I would look like with actual botox: it’s not good. I got a sneak peak this week after having the pleasure of a root canal. They had to hit me so many times with numbing meds, they blew up my lip and face. It was hysterically awful. I then sauntered over to work. Couldn’t talk well, completely numb up to my eyebrow, it was a good time. One I will have the pleasure of enduring again in about a week as they couldn’t complete the procedure because the tooth was so jacked up. How do people do this more than once? Hell to the no thank you.
In other news snap chat has an amazing filter you should all try and then show me:
Go on. Don’t be shy.
Welp, that’s all I got. I don’t know what to do with myself now that I’m not a good candidate for botox. What ever shall I do? Lol
I wrote this in September 2017 right after we were rocked by a Hurricane. Something I’m sure I will share,eventually. Don’t run away! It’s not that kind. Wrong end, really. I took a walk the other night to get catfood after the storm. Wal-Mart is a scary place after a certain time. It’s also more quiet. Something I rather enjoy if I’ve got to brave Wal-Mart. I grabbed the catfood and sorta just browsed. I came to the Bathroom linens and accessories. In my head I said “Oh, ok well while I’m here maybe I will look at what colors I’d like the new bathroom to be.” and then, it was all down hill from there. “Oh, look at that color. That’s pretty. I really like that. Oh, but it reminds me of the time we (my wife and I) painted the master bathroom that color. Nope.”
I moved on. “Oh, this is a nice red. I could get.. No, that reminds me of the master bathroom again.”
I moved on. “OH black and white. That would be easy! I have all the… Annnnd that reminds me of when we had zebra print in the bathroom… And that one rouge zebra towel I could never get rid of.“
I moved on. “Fuck Purple.”
I moved on. “Grey is pretty. Two shades of grey and maybe.. Nope. Fuck. That reminds me of my master bathroom. It was Dark grey, as were the towles at one point. Fuck.”
I moved on. “Coral! That doesn’t remind me of anything!… Except. How ugly coral is. Damnit.”
I moved on. “This is starting to get ridic….Orange! Orange. It’s not the most calming of colors… But I can deal with that. Throw some abstract Art up and… Crap. And it reminds me of the Cocopelli theme we once had in the master bathroom.”
I moved on. “That’s ugly. Nope. Nope. Fuck pink. Nope. That’s ugly too. NOPE NOT THAT ONE EITHER. WHY DID WE CHANGE OUR BATHROOM THEME SO OFTEN?! WHO DOES THAT?! I’M NEVER GOING TO BE ABLE TO DECORATE MY BATHROOM EVER AGIAIN!” annnnd I burst into tears. At Wal-Mart. At 12am. At 12am I became a Person of Wal-Mart. Fuuuuuuckkkkkk. In my defense, I hadn’t slept in days due to the storm. I’d been up well over 48 hours and eaten very little (and, really now that I think of it… We did change the color and theme of the bathroom frequently.. Lmao) So I’m leaning against the shelf, catfood in hand, in tears…. And suddenly the realization that I’m CRYING IN WAL-MART ABOUT MY BATHROOM DECOR hits me. I start to laugh out loud, hysterically. Like, crazy laugh. I know you know what I mean. Then I realize anyone watching just watched me go from crying to laughing like an idiot. I laugh even harder because I’m now a Person of Wal-Mart. Bahahahahahah. I finally got my shit together and left the aisel… Not before looking over to see 3 young guys staring….. Yep, I’m the seemingly crazy Cat Lady at Wal-Mart. Yep, that’s now me. Great. I continued to laugh like a hyena to the cash register. Fuck it.
(Butt sauce?? I have no idea, it’s just what came to mind. I deeply apologize.)
Did I mention before that I took on a new job annnnnd a few new projects? WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING? heh.
……we interrupt this post to inform you that my son’s tablet charger is, as he put it; “All jacked up”. . sigh, he is my child, isn’t he?……
I miss you guys. I miss reading all your crazy funny posts. Most of you make me laugh like mad, even when I want to bang my head. I just haven’t had much time these days. Hopefully that will change soon. I know I have awards and E-mails/questions to get to, I’m working on it. Well, at this moment I’m really not. But, I plan on doing so very, very soon. hahah.
Did you guys know it’s almost Autumn?! Sweet butt kisses (OH MY STARS WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME? I have a butt issue today. It’s totally not like that, I SWEAR…) I LOVE AUTUMN. I’m a complete freak about it, too. I might have a small (read: FUCKING GINORMOUS) pumpkin problem. I happen to live in an area that is sucky for this time of year, it’s very sad. But, half the time I pretend I’m in a completely different part of the world anyway, lest I die of flippen lack of stimulation from the sheer dullness of this place. ugh. I’m having to fight the urge not to ramble on about PUMPKINS! Whhhooooooooo! Anyways…..
So yeah this post is all sorts of crazy, I’m sorry I’m not sorry. hahaha.
Answer my pole, bitches.
I just wanted to check in, I’ll be back soon. Behave, wackos.