Just add it to the list.

So you guys know the Universe and I have been fighting.

In Feb I spent a week in the ICU with Drs telling me that my significant other had lost too much oxygen, they weren’t sure there was any brain activity. I had managed to resuscitate before the EMTs showed up, but it took over a week to see brain activity. That person that I brought back isn’t the one I married.

Also in Feb, my close friend lost his leg, had two heart attacks, and lost a part of his mind along the way.

That same month, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer for the fourth time. This one being the one the Drs said would finally get her.

I was diagnosed with PTSD, so was my son as a result of finding a dead body in my bed.

I had been taking care of this person for three years, on Feb 8th that person died. What I brought back was a nightmare. Now, I am not saying that the three years prior was a cake walk. I took care of everything. The Money, the bills, the house, the animals, the child, the homework, the volunteering at the school, everything. There wasn’t a thing that wasn’t my responsibility. But after Feb our house became volatile. Hostile. Terrible. Horrid. And, I was still taking care of everything. I was being treated in ways I wont disclose.

Last week, I packed up my son without notice and brought him to live with his grandparents while I pack up the house.

I’m losing/lost everything. My mother, my friend, my sister. My marriage, my house. When I moved in here this house was a WRECK. like WHOA. I built this house that I am leaving. I trained the dog I can’t keep. I am leaving here with nothing; oh wait I get to keep the kitchen table.  I’m losing all the effort, everything I worked for.

I’m leaving here with HORRID credit b/c there were medical supplies, and insurance that HAD to be obtained, so I let my personal bills go. I’ve sold everything to take care of it all. Granted, I don’t pay rent any more here – this is my Mother in laws house that we had planned on buying, and I have worked damn hard on it. But, I think being a nurse to someone for three years, paying for everything else, and taking care of EVERYTHING evens that out a bit (It doesn’t ask them both).

However, what little I do have left that was valuable, my electronics, is been kept here.  My Ex using the line “This is mine b/c of all they money YOU owe my mother.” At first I was going to fight it, now I am just letting it all go. It’s not worth the fight. I have my kid, and his stuff. That is all that matters.

I’m leaving with the loss of the life I built for my family, for my son. I’m leaving with the damage that has been done to my son. The loss of  my dog, my two cats, my credit, my personal possessions, and all I get to keep is the kitchen table, and the PTSD.

And to top it all off, my son’s other parent couldn’t get out of bed for the last three years, but came home with a brand new 700.00 cell phone last week, and is on vacation right now (getting hammered a friend) while I wait and pray to the stars that the town house I applied to last week accepts me, so I can move my son and what little I have left into a new life.

OH wait, AND – I don’t even get to leave here with my privacy b/c the person who couldn’t even take out the trash for the last three years, had my cell phone hacked last week obtained my journal, my texts, and all of my photos. Good thing I have nothing to hide.

There’s so much more, but just add it all to the list.

Please send positive thoughts my way that I get this town house, my son and I are drowning.

Catriona

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14 thoughts on “Just add it to the list.

  1. Love you, kid. Just keep beating your head against that wall until one of ’em breaks. The Brits have a wonderful expression for this–kicking against the pricks. Somewhat literally, in your case.

    I got divorced twice before I figured it out. It came as an astonishing relief both times. Just in case you thought you were an evil person for feeling such. You may be, but at least you’re not alone.

  2. Terri says:

    A thousand years ago, I worked for an agency that advocated for people who suffered a traumatic brain injury, including things like a deprivation of oxygen. One of the most difficult things for friends and family to handle was the almost inevitable personality change, and it was almost always destructive. So, know that you’re not alone in feeling betrayed and frustrated and hurt and furious and traumatized and…everything else. It might not make it any easier to handle, but you’re not alone. You might want to see if you have a Brain Injury Association in your state that can direct you toward some kind of services. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I truly am. One foot in front of the other, sister. Strength.

  3. A thousand years ago, I worked for an agency that advocated for people who suffered a traumatic brain injury, including things like a deprivation of oxygen. One of the most difficult things for friends and family to handle was the almost inevitable personality change, and it was almost always destructive. So, know that you’re not alone in feeling betrayed and frustrated and hurt and furious and traumatized and…everything else. It might not make it any easier to handle, but you’re not alone. You might want to see if you have a Brain Injury Association in your state that can direct you toward some kind of services. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I truly am. One foot in front of the other, sister. Strength.

  4. Haji says:

    I was so happy to see a new post from you on my dash, but am so sad to read more about the hell I knew you were going through. The choices you are making, difficult as they are, are the right ones. When I am in crisis, I remember this letter (http://www.kotapress.com/section_articles/healingArts/altTherapies/rachel_ramDass.htm) which beautifully encapsulates, I think, the way to survive the unsurvivable. My heart goes out to you and your son, and I hope that you find peace and understanding and love for each other during this difficult time. Please be well, take care of yourself, and take each day one minute at a time. You are loved, worthy of love, and a beautiful soul. ❤

  5. So much love to you. Good God. Love, love, love and better happy days to come SOON. It is obvious that you are an amazing person. When you put all that amazingness into someone and something that deserves it — YOU, and your life– you will be unstoppable. And I know it is awful for your son but he will have an amazing gift from all this. You were already obviously awesome, but it is another sort of gift, seeing a parent be strong enough to hurt BAD yet also handle it. seeing you struggle and hurt sucks but struggle and hurt happens to most people at some point, and you are giving him the gift of seeing you cope and take care of business and take care of him, make tough choices and build a new life. What a blessing you are to the Universe. It will come back to you in spades.

  6. Morguie says:

    Awww.so sorry sweetie. It will get better. I have been there myself and yes, it do suck! BUT remember, you are leaving with your dignity and your child…it doesn’t get better than that, considering what you’ve been through. Sending best wishes and big hugs, xxxCJxxx

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