Broken head and the sunset

Life has been so horrifying these days. I’ve been officially diagnosed with PTSD. Not that it needed to be official, I’m displaying symptoms so apparent even the mail man is looking at me funny. Not the one that heard the STD convo, unfortunately. That was at Grams house.

I was starting to really think I was psychotic. Really. But both “specialists”  assure me this is “normal”, ha. I can’t deal with friends, I can’t look at photos, I can’t handle crowds even if there are vintage items involved. Simple inanimate objects trigger a fight or flight response that is just not rational. I just want to be alone. I feel better when I’m alone. I’m not dealing well with anything. I can’t do the things I love, I don’t even know if I love them any more. The spaces in my brain that used to be filled will endless knowledge are filled with the same file I just cannot delete.  It’s like my brain and senses are stuck on an endless loop of emotional terrorism. I live with earbuds flooding my brain with the loudest, most complicated music I can find,  in order  to keep the file from taking over my head completely.

It’s gotten so bad that I walk for hours on end, blasting music, like some how if I keep moving it will keep the darkness away.

I understood PTSD before, but I really didn’t. I hope none of you ever, ever do.

Under the BUnder a bridge.

on the bridgeStanding on the same bridge days later.

pt tripping 3I’ve been walking the canals a lot.

Catriona

 

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19 thoughts on “Broken head and the sunset

  1. Phil Taylor says:

    My thoughts a d good vibes are heading your way. I hope you have the support you need around you.

  2. Handbasket says:

    Lots and lots of love to you. Take care of yourself however you need to.

  3. Handbasket says:

    PS/Awesome photos. Your need to document sunsets tells me you’re in there somewhere and there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. xox

  4. Phil says:

    Hoping you will soon find some peace and tranquility to soothe your mind and soul.

  5. Morguie says:

    I suffered severe PTSD when I was in the early years of extricating myself from a monster that I mistakenly married. He fucked me up pretty bad in every way imaginable and I do have an idea of what you’re talking about.To this day, and it’s been 23 years since I LEFT, there are ugly things in me that resurface and manage to screw me up, screw up my whole day, etc. My kids were affected, too. So the guilt of that is ALWAYS there, even now, and they are grown up. Bad news about this thing is that it likely never goes COMPLETELY away…but the good news is: over time and with a great amount of work, therapy, and possibly other things — even meds, not sure — eventually you can have a life again that is good. This is an obstacle, Cat. Not the end. I won’t lie to you, it isn’t something real easy to get over. I don’t know what caused your trauma and I don’t need to know…I just want to tell you to be kind to yourself and love yourself, even when it’s the least thing you feel worthy of sometimes. I constantly have to remember that for myself. Never allow that thing to define you, destroy you, or drive you. And always remember me…I’m the weirdo who wants always to be your friend and that I hope for the very best for you…because I like you…just as you are…weirdo and all.
    😉

    • Ohhhhhh my friend, thank you so very, very much. I adore you, and your fondness of my weirdness. ❤

      • Morguie says:

        What can I say? Like attracts like. We weirdos have a built-in radar…besides that, we enjoy the company of other weirdos because, heck, we know THOSE weirdos make us look a little more normal to the rest of the world…I miss you…seriously…since you aren’t blogging on the WordPress. My “Feedly” app took a crap and got all of the outside bloggers’ feeds lost…I am so glad you showed up. Always happy to see a sista weirdo. And, it IS okay to just be what you need to be…screw what others take away from what they don’t know. Be yourself…but always be true to that self that is you. Sloppy mouse kisses, CJ

  6. Jeff says:

    Blessings, grace, and peace to you.

  7. Rhino House says:

    For what it is worth, eventually you do come out the other side, and it only FEELS like it takes a lifetime.

  8. I had a mild case of PTSD right after my car accident…freaking out, completely irrational, drank like it was my job, could barely get out of bed. It was mild and it faded, but while I was in the middle of it I was a snarling ball of raw, twitching nerve. I am sorry you’re in it, but there is another side.

  9. Shelley says:

    Praying for you.

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