Stuff my stocking…

I’ve been thinking extensively about the coming holidays (boobs).

I just love the holidays (boobs).

When I think about the holidays – I think of family, good food, beautiful atmosphere, hand crafted gifts, and crazy relatives being complete and just utter jackholes (boobs).

I’m so far behind in the whole Xmas shopping/making things, thing. That’s almost unheard of for me. I need to get on that shit, like, stat.

You know, I’ve received some pretty epic holiday gifts over the years. Some …wayyyyy more ridiculous than others. For example – several years ago Santa left this, and only this, in my stocking….

Do you know what this is?

Hint: it’s not a scoop of ice cream.

IMG_20131108_135815 (1)




Still not sure?





Yeah. That’s right. Santa gave me boobs for Christmas. A brand new pair of boobs.

He’s so flippin’ thoughtful.

He really does know everything about me!

I mean, I know I have the chest of an 11 year old boy, I’m good with that. But I was unaware that Santa had boobdar in his arsenal of special skills.

I keep them in my dresser next to that ugly sweater you gave me. I’ve never actually used my boobs for anything other than Halloween, but I love the fact that I have boobs, in my drawers.

What kinds of weird items has Santa given you guys? I think I need to know.


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25 thoughts on “Stuff my stocking…

  1. Santa gave me jump leads for the car once. Not exactly weird but depressingly dull, I had a bit of an existential crisis about it, convinced it was final proof that I was now old and was not longer supposed to have fun. As if all I had to look forward to in life was stuff for the car…

  2. Hmmmm… binoculars with this note, “You can look into other peoples’ window, they’re that powerful.” 🙂

  3. Olivia says:

    An old compass, a sleeping bag, and a Nalgene water bottle.
    My dad wanted me to be a boy (oops, meant Santa).

  4. I don’t remember any particularly freakish Christmas presents, though I’ve had my share of boring/lame ones that don’t make any sense (Oh, wow! You got me a “T” initial stick pin! That’s just swell, even though I wear neither pins nor name-related jewelry. Thought that counts, blah blah blah) But! MY LIFE WOULD BE COMPLETE and all lame gift givers would be redeemed forever if only someone would get me the Titanic Gravy Boat. I swoon at the thought.

  5. Von Simeon says:

    There was one family that always gave me a coinpurse for Christmas. You know, the ol’ 1930s, size of your palm, snap top, coinpurses? Yeah, b/c prepubescent children always have spare change on them, and they LOVE to carry them in sequined nutsacks. I was glad when they moved.

  6. relovertigo says:

    Wow. How are you supposed to receive a gift like that? Thankful that you now have boobs? Offended that someone thinks you need boobs? Appreciative that you have now extended your Woman of Intrigue disguise collection to include disguise boobs?

    • I laughed so hard I almost peed when I reached into the stocking and pulled out boobs. And then I opened the package so that I could hold them up to my ears, you know, like earmuffs. 🙂 hahahahah!

  7. Phil Taylor says:

    Man or woman, apparently you can never go wrong with boobs. Boobs and sarcasm. That’s why your blog rocks.

  8. kcinaz says:

    I’m laughing my boobs off but hubby would say your arsz off since I already don’t have much in boobs way. I could use those! Cant say I’ve gotten anything quite so funny.

  9. Your picture is trully horrible. And I mean that in the nicest way. Did someone really give you those? eugh!

  10. beboppin says:

    A hedgehog. Yep. I named him Fred. He’ll be 2 this year. I love the little fucker when he doesn’t use me as a pin cushion. Did I mention I’m 26?

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