Coffee & Penis Socks?!

My office is a very odd room. I suspect it was a porch at one point remodeled to be part of the main structure. I’m not even sure what it is now, a mud room maybe? It’s a very narrow room with three very different doors on three different walls, complimented by very oddly shaped windows. I have beautiful  french doors on the far end, and a very heavy, old, wooden backdoor-ish looking door across from a “french door wannabe.” The two are lined up sorta  in the middle of the room. The only door that leads to the outside of the house is the “wannabe.”  Essentially what this means is; Setting up furniture in this room was a bitch AND when I get really frazzled, I can just run through a bunch of doors in a fairly small circle, without ever leaving the house. Something I’m sure I’ll admit to having done at least a few times in a later entry.

Doors, ah, that leads me to the topic at hand. I was sitting at my desk drinking my coffee, enjoying my morning, when the french doors caught my eye. I instantly remembered I had forgotten to look for, and buy a frog. Why did they remind me of frogs? Fuck if I know. Not a real one mind you. Just a frog to send to my sister as I do when Holidays or special events come around. She has a rather unhealthy obsession with frogs, and possibly apples. I’m an enabler.

So off to the internet I went. I came across a website I’ve never visited before: So me and my coffee searched for “frogs” in the site search bar, and got nothing. Hmmmmmm pretty sure I just saw one on the front page… So I simplified it: “Frog.”  Whoo hoo! Frogs were to be had after all! So I was perusing what a weird ass word all the frogage when all of a sudden I scrolled down to find THIS amongst all the frogs:

WHAT IN THE BLUE BLOODY HELL IS THAT?! Is that a penis sock?! Closer investigation reveals that YES it IS a penis sock, of sorts. It’s swim wear. For those times when you feel too uncomfortable to wear a speedo. If I had a penis I would order one in every color. I would go to public pools and test all those pesky socially excepted standards I keep hearing about. The real question here is: what does this have to do with a Frog and do I REALLY want to know the answer to that question? HELL YEAH I DO.

So after being far too amused by a penis sock I don’t get out much apparently, I decided to look around. You know,  because when you find a penis sock in the frog section – you know you are in for a fierce game of “what the hell tops that.” So off to clothing and accessories I went looking for scarves, btw – only to be slapped in the face with THIS:

 By this point, I was getting pissed. I happen to own a vagina, SO HOW DID I MISS THE MEMO ON THIS. What the hell is a C-String?! This thing looks like a DIY project gone wrong. Look what you can do with grandma’s old shoe horn! Besides the fact that I’m horrified by this concept where exactly does that “tail” go?!  –  I want to know exactly what geographic region this product sells the best in. I just have to know.  I’m pretty sure I could accomplish the same effect with an old eye patch and I assure you, I’ll be trying that one out later.

So now I feel like I need to go brush up on my Kink. Cuzz, you know, when a penis sock and a shoe horn sneak up on you like that, you know you are behind in your game.

All because of the fucking french doors.

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108 thoughts on “Coffee & Penis Socks?!

  1. stacitsmith says:

    Jayzus!! I’ve been looking everywhere for penis socks and you just stumbled upon them?!! Christmas is back on!!!

  2. Penny Lane says:

    As I nurse my hangover, reading this brings me such joy and makes my head hurt a little less. I know what I am getting everyone for any occasion. Thank you for enlightening me!

  3. Blake A. Burge says:

    Thanks for the like on my blog! I am just starting out and any interaction is appreciated!

  4. Funny stuff here … I’ll be back for more.

  5. shelconnors says:

    Hahaha- thanks for the like, because had you not liked my blog, I’d have never stumbled upon this. And you my blogging friend, are hilarious. And now I feel like I should buy a shoe horn πŸ™‚

  6. This was worth reading just for the look on my husband’s face when I showed him the penis sock. But…these folks are behind the times. Many, MANY years ago (we’re talking about, oh, 45 years or so) my aunt knitted a penis sock for my 15 year old cousin as a joke Christmas gift. It had a string to tie around the waist and a little bead crochetted into the end. In retaliation, the next year he made her a brassiere out of enormous hollowed-out styrofoam cones decorated with shiny sequins and beads.

  7. I just died a little. How fantastic. God save us all.

  8. I would have thought the thong was a headband. Color me embarrassed. And what the…seriously, cow-patterned welded thongs are supposed to bring the sexy? I hope I’m never single again.

  9. raefonb says:

    Lol, fun read. I liked the bit about grandma’s shoehorn. Don’t think I’ll be buying a penis sock any time soon… Thanks for checking out my blog, appreciated.

  10. Judy says:

    Thanks for your “like” and I read this one aloud to my husband in the car. Still giggling.

  11. Elyse says:

    Apparently, I’m shopping in all the wrong places. A penis sock would make a perfect gift. Even better than the calendar I wrote about last week that features coffins and cuties.

    Thanks for the LIKE — This was a Hilarious post.

  12. onewithclay says:

    If only they had them at JCPenney. Walk out of the fitting room: “I dunno, Hon, what do you think?”

  13. hmch1 says:

    And suddenly I know what my boyfriend is getting for xmas. My thanks to your french doors.

  14. […] EDIT – Listen, you really don’t want to read this, I assure you. My brain was melting so I drained the fluid here. Do yourself a favor and just go HERE instead. […]

  15. […] I’m sure your friends and family hope you’re not, you are a lover of all things socks. Penis Socks, wool socks, fuzzy socks, ankle socks, golf socks and most importantly, today,Β  the Argyle […]

  16. […] brings new meaning to the whole “Penis sock” thing. […]

  17. rattielover says:

    Thanks for liking my blog! I’m just starting out.

  18. primalnights says:

    The penis sock thing is lose lose for a guy. What if you order it and don’t fill it up? FAIL. What if you put it on and it’s to small. Then you have an oversized and odd looking hat on your pecker. But I guess his ears would be warm!

  19. Crazycanadian12 says:

    I had to read it twice!
    And I am still laughing!

  20. JA says:

    Great post and, I got some gift ideas for a few people I know, thanks for the tips.

  21. skinnyuz2b says:

    Ha ha, new use for old 50s headbands (not the 70s ones). Clip on art. As for weird ‘frog’ finds, here’s a funny google story. Before getting our Mexican Hairless pup, my daughter googled ‘Mexican Hairless’ to read about them. Uh oh!
    Your writing is hilarious, not to be confused with Hilary-ous. And thanks for enjoying ‘Impressing Boys’.

  22. […] due to, I assume a mental defect of some sort, I can’t quit thinking about since I first stumbled across them online a week or so […]

  23. ssoldjasper says:

    Dear Dizzy,

    French doors are not so great nowadays. As a kid, my house had one. (or is it two?) Anyway, I also have a frog on my desk. A big, green blootter with a fedora. (French?)

    Got no penis sock but I use a wind scock. (I wish.) I wouldn’t know what to do with that other thing. I don’t have a vagina, but I do have a big mouth. ? Again, I am stumped.

    Very humorris! But I kept looking for an end. (I’ve got one of those too.)

  24. digger666 says:

    For a brief time in the eighties, there existed a performance troupe in the UK, consisting, if memory serves correctly, of two men and two women, who called themselves something along the lines of “The Furbishers”, or something similar (I’ve been unable to find any reference to them using Google). Their claim to fame was public appearances wearing anatomically correct body stockings, a practice which may have challenged contemporary social mores, but which also regularly landed them in the back of a police van.

  25. I have never heard of a c string nor do I want to wear one. Except maybe in a show, because then I would have a good reason.

  26. Too funny, can’t wait for future posts – I’ll be going through your archives (which sounds much naughtier than it is). I thought Everett would like a sock if they come in camouflage pattern, but he vetoed the idea and suggested I not bring it up again.

  27. Emily says:

    Giggling at work. Boss is near. So good.

  28. elesjackson says:

    Yuk!! What is a man to do with the extra material of the sock if he doesn’t fill it in all the way?? Maybe cut it and use as wrist bans on the beach? I just don’t know…lol

  29. Capt Jill says:

    very funny, I just HAD to find out what the heck was a penis sock. I guess I’m behind the times. now I know. I try to learn something new every day. Thanks for the education πŸ˜‰
    glad you liked my post on the melon collie πŸ™‚

  30. Lucky Wreck says:

    BaHAHAHahaaa! Oh my gosh. I just laughed so hard I choked… can’t. make. words.

  31. Julia Kovach says:

    Just too funny….that’s all I can say. LOL. (and…..Well done!). xoJulia

  32. catsYcrafts says:

    amazing. thanks for the like!

  33. This was absolutely awesome and I thank you…thinking I can be more brave with my own writing now that you’ve thrown the penis sock topic up on the table. Loved it!

  34. are there penis shoes available too? what about socks for your balls (well, not “your” balls, but you know what I mean–damn, talk about an awkward comment–i guess i really put my foot in my mouth; well, i guess better my foot than my you-know-what, right?). thank you very much for liking my latest blog post. i look forward to reading more of your funny work.

    • ahahah! I’m thinking that a penis shoe would be a bit too much (but do I know?). However the penis sock covers the balls, as well as the penis. πŸ™‚ So, it’s a two for one.

      and HAHAHAHAH! how do you know I DON’T have balls?!

  35. jbwritergirl says:

    Well, at least now I know how to recycle all my old hairbands! Squeee…

  36. I love this post ! It was hilarious ! Besides, the fact that what You found online was actually true, made it even more hilarious… if that was even possible ! LOL ! Thank You very much for posting it. I really needed a good laugh today, and this definitely did it ! πŸ™‚ I’ll definitely be looking forward to Your future posts.

  37. kcinaz says:

    You are way to funny. I was LOL all the way through this article. I actually saw a ??lady?? wearing one of those C-bikini’s at a beach and thought what the hell? Wish it had been the penis sock though. That would have been more fun to see. πŸ™‚

  38. Perry James says:

    I happened to pull this up and started reading it when some sort of unwanted company was here. I was trying to be sneaky at first, but I burst into laughter and blew my cover. Great stuff! I don’t read a lot, but I think I’ll be subscribing and going through yours. Thanks for the laugh.

  39. Perry James says:

    BTW, the C-string deal looks a little like an ear muff for a one-eared person.

  40. doppledanger says:

    UGH. The internet can be a scary place. Where would this sock be appropriate?! I am really not sure. And the C thing? uh is that a sex toy? It can’t be considered undergarments can it?! CRAY-ZEE.

  41. Brilliant. And completely inpractical to boot. Theres no strap on there as far as I can tell, so one well-angled dive-bomb and your johnson is sockless….

  42. I cannot wait til Christmas. Penis socks and C-strings for everyone!

    Perfect lift for a sucky day.

  43. justteejay says:

    So I am amused that wordpress just sent me a notification of this post (as if it was new) which is cool because it was definitely worth revisiting πŸ™‚
    I’m glad you are back.

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